Question from Jessica T.
This guy and I just went from being sex buddies to being only friends and I don’t know how to handle it. He has been dating one girl for three years while he and I have been friends with benefits. We text a lot but we also fight a lot about how much time we spend together.
I don’t want him out of my life completely, but I don’t know how to be just friends with him, if you know what I mean. A majority of the time when he texts me he asks for naked pics and wants to talk bout sex. I don’t know what to do.
This guy is and has been using you. He was getting what he wanted. He was never looking for friendship. He wanted sex and naked pictures. You gave him whatever he asked for because you were hoping for more. The relationship was never in balance.
If the only way to be in somebody’s life is to compromise yourself, your dignity and your wishes, then you need to walk out of his life.
Sex buddies is not a deal that works for the young lady. Females want love. That is how we are hard wired. When you give up your body, before you receive the love, it’s a recipe for years of tears.
Think very hard about what this guy has requested of you. And now think about what he has given back to you. The privilege of being the person with whom he betrays his girlfriend? This “arrangement” is bringing pain and dishonor to all three of you.
This is not an authentic version of you. The true you will treat others with respect and expect that in return. The true you knows that she fully deserves her own romantic partnership.
There is a guy — somewhere out there — who wants to love you. All of you. Heart, Soul and Body. Give these to him, in that order.
Here is more on the subject of “Friends with Benefits”:
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Question from Amanda Y.
My boyfriend and I are in college together. We were eating lunch and he went to the bathroom so I kept his phone. While he was gone his ex texted him, “Hey Max! How was Ryan’s party last night? Can I have his number?”
My boyfriend had told me that he and his ex no longer talk. I got angry and left. He followed me but I told him to leave me alone, so he did. The next day I saw him and he said, “Good morning” and I just ignored him.
We have not talked for three days. I really miss him but I don’t think I did anything wrong for me to apologize. I know he would get mad if he was in my shoes. What should I do now? Do you think he should be the one to talk to me first?
I think that a stand-off doesn’t serve anybody. This fight is not about who is right and who is wrong. It’’s about what happened and how the two of you are going to live — as a couple — moving forward, in a world full of people.
This world full of people includes your exes. My hunch is that if your boyfriend had any huge secrets he would not be leaving his phone with you.
You kind of froze him out and were unwilling to hear an explanation. You were hurt and scared and your reaction was to walk away. You told him to leave you alone.
From his point of view, he innocently went to the bathroom and then walked back out into this tsunami. He may have done nothing to invite his ex to text him. I know it feels like you caught wind of what has been an ongoing conversation, but maybe the girl just needed a phone number.
Yes, it’s also possible that he has been lying to you. But generally speaking, when a romantic partner is being deceptive, it’s not just one little incident that tugs at your worry string. It’s a series of doubtful behaviors. One ex text does not a cheater make.
The next day, he said, “Good morning” and you continued to frost him. How and why would he be inclined to reach out to you now?
Call him and say, “Let’s talk about what happened.” If this guy has given you no other reason to doubt him then believe what he is saying and let this go.
An ex is a person who was a best friend. This involves lots of mutual friends, shared histories and entanglements. It is not reasonable to expect no contact at all when all of you are in college together. She did not text anything romantic. She was looking for Ryan’s number.
Go reconnect with your boyfriend.
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Question from Victoria N.
My best friend and I bonded when she lost her old best friend of seven years. I comforted her and she got through it.
Now her old best friend has moved back and they are best friends again. I met her for the first time on Friday. And it was obvious. They were closer. No doubt about it.
I didn’t expect anything less. But I hoped for less. I didn’t hang out with the both of them cuz it hurt too much. Knowing that I wasn’t the best friend anymore. Knowing that I was replaced. So I said goodbye for now. I told her I wasn’t gonna be her second choice when she was my first. Did I make the right choice?
I do not believe you made the right choice. The only relationship that demands a certain exclusivity is a romantic relationship. In every other facet of your life, when you ask or demand that a friend choose between you and somebody else, they will choose the person who is not expecting them to choose.
Friendships should be free and easy and nonexclusive. This attitude leads to more friends, connections, experiences, bonding, love and all of the good stuff that life has to offer.
Your initial bonding with this girl was over a sadness. You comforted her. That’s fine but it should not have come with conditions. When you give, give freely. Love is a completely replenish-able resource. It’s abundant. Don’t ask your friends to line you up in a specific order with the expectation that you be in first place or you walk out. That’s not love. That’s control.
Get to know this other friend. She is not your competition. She is a person who may very well enrich your life and you hers in wonderful ways.
Here is more about jealousy:
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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org and it may be answered in a subsequent column.
— Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (Family Band: The Cowsills Story is currently airing on Showtime Networks), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Our Place, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.