Question from Zeke
My friend and I lost touch kinda. I loved the conversations we had and that we would talk for hours and hours. I miss her, so should I say something about it? Now when I try and spark some conversation, she usually stops, which makes me think she is trying to distance herself. I love her and don’t wanna lose her.
You can take a step or two toward a person for sure — especially in this time of social isolation when people need to be in contact with friends.
You may also find that with kids home from school, the social cliques and groups and pressures that they may have felt at school are now fallen away. They just need to hear from someone who cares. Give it a try. But also know that when someone gives you short and cryptic answers, that is your cue to step back and then wait for them to make more of an effort in reaching out to you.
Every relationship needs to flow in both directions. People do sometimes outgrow each other or move in different directions. Sometimes a friend can have personal reasons to pull away that have nothing to do with you. Your job is to let that happen and to give them the space they seem to be needing.
That only means that new and rewarding friendships are waiting for you around the next corner. Keep your eyes and your heart open for them.
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Question from Sarah
So, the first year I was married, my husband was watching videos of women in bikinis etc. and a porn star named Mia Khalifa. I never could forgive for that and brought up the subject many times because it hurt me a lot and brought down my self confidence. It made me feel insecure like I was not good enough for him.
Should I bring this up again?? I don’t like him looking at other girls. I mean, why get married to a girl if he wants to look at others sometimes? I have trust issues and keep checking his phone etc. What is ur advice for me? Should I reopen the subject and what should I say if I do??
Please give me good advice. I feel like I can’t keep my husband. He will probably always lust for other girls. What can I do to keep my husband from looking at other girls, whether in real life or on the Internet?
I don’t look at other men. Why can’t he not look at other women?? What can I do from now to avoid this? Now I find myself envious of every beautiful woman because I don’t feel like I’m enough for hubby.
You are enough. You will always be enough. Men and women are similar but different. There is a lot that we don’t tell each other and, not being a man, there is much that I don’t know but I will tell you, in my opinion, what matters and what does not matter. What matters is how your husband treats you. What does not matter is what he looks at discretely.
So, short story here … men have more testosterone, which drives their sexual thoughts and impulses. It’s their job to control these impulses and if they channel some of that energy through a bit of pornography that they look at privately, then that is their own personal business. Before the Internet, there were magazines. Before that, archaeologists found pornographic imagery carved into stone.
It’s just always been this way. It’s not your enemy. This is just the way humans are wired.
As long as your husband’s use of porn is not impacting his relationships and his responsibilities, then leave it alone. It’s his personal business. You have private thoughts that are yours. You don’t need to share everything you think and feel with your spouse. Your husband has zero emotional connection with Mia Khalifa, or whomever. His bond is with you.
When you first get married, it’s difficult to know what you should be able to expect from your spouse so I will help you out with this one. You should not be able to expect him to refrain from looking at other women. That is just not how men are designed.
You should be able to expect that he love, honor, protect and respect you. He is going to look at other women. Stop looking through his phone. YOU are the person he chose to marry.
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Question from Kylie
I NEED help. I don’t know if I like my best friend or not. She told me that she likes someone, and I know it’s not me. But I feel like I like her but I don’t know if I do or not and it’s been stressing me out for about a year now. I don’t know how to tell her that I like her and I don’t know how to tell my parents that I’m bi.
So much depends on a multitude of factors that I do not know. YOU know them and so you will need to make the assessments.
For the sake of this conversation, let’s assume that 90 percent of people are straight. Using that statistic as a yardstick, it’s likely that your friend is not romantically interested in you. It is also entirely common for bi and gay kids to experience their first crush on a same-sex friend.
I am a huge fan of disclosure when it comes to crushes because that is what brings you clarity and allows you to either build a path toward dating this person or receive your answer, cry, heal and move on. But when it’s a same-sex crush, there are many additional factors that must be considered. These include:
» Your age
» Your parents’ views on LGBTQ issues
» Her parents’ views on LGBTQ issues
» Your community’s views on LGBTQ issues
Revealing a same-sex crush is still more challenging than revealing an opposite-sex crush and even that is hugely terrifying.
If you have heard your parents speak in support of LGBTQ people and issues, and if they have been loving and supportive of you and your needs, then think about telling them that you have a crush on a girl. If your parents are on the more judgmental side of things, then you are under no obligation to share your confusing feelings with them until you are more sure of them, and maybe even until you are living under a different roof.
Also, do not feel any rush to make a romantic move. If you are over the age of 16, then start to think about it. If you are younger, then just continue growing up together and know that although crushes are painful … thus the name … you get crushed … they are also enormously informative. They teach you what qualities you find attractive and admirable in a potential partner.
We do not know what is going to happen between you and this girl. She may one day return your feelings. She may currently return them and just not be willing to admit them for her own confusing jumble of reasons.
Remember that just because you feel ready to come out does not mean that she will be ready. If she is gay or bi, everyone has their own journey toward the discovery of that aspect of their personality.
Take things slowly. Experience your feelings. Enjoy your romantic imaginings. The love you seek will be yours one day in good time.
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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org and it may be answered in a subsequent column.
— Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She also hosts a weekly video podcast called Things I Found Online, and teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.