A study delving into how parents’ genes are divvied up have She and Z untangling their son’s genetic code.
Z: I just read a study that they are now able to determine who you got your genetic material from — which half of your genes are from your mom, and which are from your dad.
She: Isn’t it obvious? All of Koss’ (our 8-year-old son) good qualities come from me, and all of the rest, well …
Z: This is science, woman. Clearly, all his good genes are from me; his aptitude for computer games, math, fantasy books, fart jokes — all me.
She: Is there a nerd gene?
Z: No, there is not a nerd gene. And I got that one from my dad.
She: Did you and Koss get that Male Answer Syndrome thing from him, too?
Z: There’s no such thing as Male Answer Syndrome. I read that in Time magazine.
She: Koss goes all Nerdopalooza with a few of his friends. You should hear them citing fake facts from the Discovery Channel and the Guinness Book of World Records. It’s Mini Male Answer Syndrome.
Z: You’re making me all misty.
She: I’m definitely not encouraging those friendships, at least not until they start talking angel investors and stock options.{mospagebreak}
Z: Where do you think his strong sense of confidence will show up on the DNA map?
She: It depends; do you think his confidence comes from good nutrition, plenty of sleep and exercise, security in knowing how much his mother loves him and believes in him — or his height?
Z: Hey, that’s cheating. I wanted to bring up the tall thing. You know how important that is to me. Why do you steal all my jokes?
She: Uh, ’cause people actually pay me for them.
Z: I think you’re avoiding the real issue, here, which is that I’m tall, and that that’s very important. Koss definitely got the tall gene from me. Can you give me that at least?
She: Sure. Except my mother’s, what, 5 feet 9 inches? How tall is yours?
Z: I really can’t go after your mother — she feeds me sometimes. Back to the DNA thing — who gave Koss his sweetness?
She: Seriously, when your Dad was at his tallest, do you think he was taller than my dad?
Z: Apparently the sweetness is from me.
She: Yeah, right. Shall we poll our friends and ask them who’s sweeter? Or what about that parking attendant you screamed at last night? I hope Koss doesn’t catch that gene from you.{mospagebreak}
Z: Half-a-trillion dollars was spent on mapping the human genome, and you’re using that information to belittle my serious issue with parking lots. You must be proud.
She: Now I know where Koss got the whining gene from.
Z: At least he got all the important genes from me. Like the tall gene. And hopefully the driving gene.
She: OK, I’ll give you that one. And I certainly hope he gets your math and science abilities. Do you think communication is genetic?
Z: Did I mention the driving gene? Your sister’s husband was smart enough to get a prenup that gave him sole rights to teach his kids to drive.
She: That was smart. You can definitely teach Koss to drive. In fact, I’m thinking of going on a short sabbatical when he’s 15 1/2. And I’d be happy to put it in writing that you can do all of the driving when we go on those 37-hour car trips to the Bay Area. Good thing Koss inherited my ability to read in the car.
Z: I am jealous of that one. Too bad we can’t reverse engineer that gene back to me. I’m also impressed by the way he can talk me into doing things I didn’t even know I wanted to do.
She: That’s from me, although I think he’s better at that than I am.
Z: I don’t know. I’m doing this column.
She: True. And did I tell you that I’m the only one getting paid?
Z: Yes, dear.
Leslie Dinaberg and Zak Klobucher have actually been engaged in this type of witty banter for almost 20 years now — and they’re still married. E-mail them at Leslie@LeslieDinaberg.com.