Dear Feelings Doctor: My 14-year-old nephew has expressed interest in experimenting with drugs. His parents work all day long, and he spends too much time unsupervised. How do I help him and also be there for my sister? Thank you.
— Sharon in Ventura
Dear Sharon: It happens earlier with each generation these days, teens beginning to experiment with certain things that can really change the course of their lives. Family time is such a crucial part of the foundation a teen needs to stay connected, especially going through the peer pressure they have to navigate — it’s daunting!
There is a wonderful Boys & Girls Club in Ventura. It’s a great place for kids to go after school. There are counselors and guides on staff to help students with whatever is needed. Another suggestion is, whenever possible, have weekly family dinners to discuss the day’s events. This helps keep the parents and teens on the same page regarding homework, sports and other issues that may be looming.
There is a video that I highly recommend, Which Brain Do You Want? by Daniel Amen M.D. It’s all about this specific issue that you are concerned with. I salute you for being there for everyone, especially your nephew. A concerned auntie is always an important sounding block.
Dear Feelings Doctor: My daughter is in her last year at junior high. She is preoccupied with clothes and fitting in, and how certain girls make fun of her. How do I guide her with this shallow part of going through her teenage time? Thank you.
— Nanette in Santa Barbara
Dear Nanette: The truth is: It is shallow, it is hurtful and it is happening — in every junior high and high school across the country. If she has the desire to wear what the other girls are wearing, take her shopping and share this experience with her. Help her find her style. The goal right now for your daughter is being comfortable with who she is (that takes time) so help her in developing a strong self-esteem.
Hair, clothes, fitting in — they are all part of the package for teenagers. Eight hours a day, five days each week at school is a lot of time trying to ignore uncomfortable feelings. Listen to her and what she likes. When you help her achieve her goals and develop her self-image, go celebrate and take a picture of the big, beautiful smile she will be wearing, along with her new outfits!
When we can help our children with the tools and skills to solve their dilemma now, the future will be brighter for everyone.
Dear Feelings Doctor: I am 54 years old, single with a great career. My secret is killing me. I am an alcoholic; I have been hiding it from everyone for 12 years and I can no longer do it. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you for your time and help.
— James in Montecito
Dear James: Your brave honesty is exactly what you need in your life right now. If you have been trying on your own, it’s time to seek assistance and support from professionals who can help you. Untreated, as you know, addiction will climb into every corner of your life and stay there unless “action” is taken.
There are several facilities in town; a few that I can recommend have professional staff and doctors on the premises to assist you with this type of need. Please know that you are not alone and begin today to reach out as you have here. There are others who have been where you are, and I know they would be honored to walk with you through this rough time in your life to get to the other side.
Begin today, and take that first step.
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— Psychotherapist Randi Rabin, M.A., MFTI, answers reader questions in her weekly Noozhawk column, The Feelings Doctor, and can be contacted at randi@noozhawk.com. She received her bachelor’s degree in psychology from Antioch University Santa Barbara and completed her master’s degree in psychology at Pacifica Graduate Institute under the guidance of renowned psychologist Stephen Aizenstat, Pacifica’s chancellor and founding president. She has worked as a counselor with a number of local nonprofit organizations and schools. Click here for previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.