Many men fear Valentine’s Day, and a trip to the drugstore last week would have shown you why. Valentine’s Day is a woman’s holiday. Valentine’s Day is pink. Valentine’s Day is frilly and heart shaped. It is an affront to all things “manly” and “tough.” Men are expected to be civilized and polite, to bend on one knee, rose in hand, and give the women they love a box of chocolates and wine. I don’t know many men who would want to do this, even guys like me who aren’t that macho.
But what if there were a reverse Valentine’s Day?
What would that be like?
To answer this question, we first need to analyze the basic idea of Valentine’s Day, the rituals surrounding it, and what is says about our society when you break it down into fundamental concepts.
Valentine’s Day started as a celebration of lust, which eventually transformed to love and is now simply romance toward women. Men get all clean and spiffy — like women. They buy fancy chocolate, wine and roses — things women like. Then they act gentle and romantic — things that, in our society, women do. Above all, they do the serving — something women usually do.
In a nutshell, this says that men are usually unclean, uncaring brutes who are on the top, and women are beautiful, sensitive, super romantic flower blossoms who are on the bottom, and that for one day a year men act more like women so the women are appeased enough to go on being at the bottom, instead of leaving the men altogether.
Now, before I discuss how messed up I find these insinuations; let’s get on with the idea of a reverse Valentine’s Day.
Valentine’s Day commemorates many St. Valentines, but the one most people mention was a priest from Rome who was martyred in Africa. No one knows what the heck this has to do with love, romance, or even a vague feeling of lust.
So, my conceptual holiday, the reverse Valentine’s Day, would also be named after a random saint.
Let’s pick one … Abban the Hermit. He is considered a saint by the Roman Catholic Church. Here’s some history — he was a hermit from Ireland who lived near a place called Boar’s Hill in the English countryside around the 5th century. No one really knows much about him, and he has nothing to do with masculinity or toughness. We’re off to a good start.
First, Valentine’s Day is a celebration of all things feminine, and of romance between men and women. Abban’s Day will be a celebration of all things masculine, and of fighting between men and women. Depending on your region, your Abban’s Day celebration could include but not be limited to the following:
» Hunting. With big guns.
» Watching football. With beer, Cheetos and whooping.
» Playing violent videogames. With big guns, beer, Cheetos and whooping.
» Watching the Miss Universe Contest and judging the girls. “Dude, look at Miss Costa Rica!”
» Cage fighting between men and women. Usually featuring a performance by Aerosmith, Poison or Metallica (sometimes all three).
» Hot dog-eating contest (mandatory).
Next, Valentine’s Day is a day when men try to act more like women. We dress up nice and clean. We act gentle and romantic. On Abban’s Day, women try to act more like men. They will be unclean, insensitive, and dominant.
Finally, since Valentine’s Day is a day when men serve women, Abban’s Day will be a day when women serve men. They will cook for the men. As the men sit around on the couch making fart jokes and watching football, the women will serve them beer and Cheetos. They’ll clean up the messes and turn off the TV when the game is over.
Obviously I’m being satirical, but do you see what I’m getting at?
Valentine’s Day has become a commercialized, gender role-enforcing ritual, not a celebration of love. And I know I’m not the only one who is fed up with the way this holiday is celebrated. People all over — men, women, gays, straights — have spoken out.
We need to progress. Instead of a celebration of rigid, outdated courting and shallow commercialization, why don’t we use this holiday as a chance to celebrate real love?
You know, real love. The Beatles’ love. Gandhi’s love. Universal love. Love all people love!
Love thy neighbor! Love thy pet! Love thy lover! Love thy kids! Love thy parents, aunts, uncles and cousins! Love thy friends! Love the earth! Love your life! Donate to a charity! Help a lost puppy! Plant some trees! Hug a stranger. Instead of buying a cheap box of chocolates from Albertsons and renting San Roque School.