Z: I’ve been watching nothing but fire coverage for the past million hours. We got evacuated. Hit me with something frivolous.
She: How about this: I hate it when I get to know a character in a book, and then the movie version comes out and they cast someone who’s just wrong.
Z: Perfect. You mean like Michael Keaton as Batman?
She: I suppose comic books count.
Z: Or when they cast Michael J. Fox as the Hulk? Those guys are both way too short to be superheroes. If you’re not playing the Atom, then you better be more than 6 feet tall.
She: And now this summer we’ve got Meryl Streep as Julia Child. Streep who is what, 5-foot-4? Child was like 6-foot-4.
Z: That would definitely put Child in superhero territory. But are you sure you’re not mistaking her for the Dan Ackroyd version, gushing blood all over the kitchen on Saturday Night Live?
She: He’s not that tall. Anyway, it’s not just about height; it’s about age, too.
Z: Don’t start going off about 50-year-old men in movies with 20-year-old girlfriends. Didn’t we already write that column?
She: No. I’m saving that one for when I’m feeling particularly hormonal. Right now I’m talking about Cameron Diaz being cast as the lead character in My Sister’s Keeper.
Z: Never heard of it.
She: It’s based on this Jodi Picoult book I told you about like 13 times.
Z: Never heard you.
She: Anyway, she’s supposed to be playing the middle-age mother of a teenage daughter who’s had leukemia since she was a baby. First of all, Diaz hardly looks old enough to be the mom of a teen.
Z: Wasn’t she actually dating some teenage pop star?
She: Justin Timberlake.
Z: Now she has to play his mother?
She: Seriously, Diaz? Do you think if your kid had leukemia that you would have time to go to the gym and the tanning parlor to look like anything resembling the same species as Diaz? I hate when they do that.
Z: At the same time, it makes a movie about leukemia much sexier.
She: Ewww.
Z: Sorry. Been inhaling too much smoke.
She: Not only are the characters not how you pictured them in movies, then there are the writers themselves.
Z: Like Dan Neil.
She: Exactly.
Z: That guy is a great writer for the L.A. Times.
She: He made me want to read car reviews, for goodness sake. He must be a brilliant writer. Then they had to ruin it by showing his dorky mug along with his columns. I can’t get over it.
Z: Let me guess, you pictured him being a little cooler looking?
She: Are you kidding? He was James-Bond-martini-cool in my mind, and then they had to ruin it with this sketch that looks like Howdy Doody.
Z: There’s a reason Ron Howard went from being a kid actor to a director.
She: It’s the same reason talk-radio hosts and DJs can almost never make the transition to television or movies.
Z: Just like authors and the characters they create, we have a very clear picture in our heads of what they are supposed to look like.
She: I don’t think they should ever show author pictures.
Z: Are you sure? Don’t you think our readers’ experience could only be enhanced by seeing our lovely selves? Me in my tuxedo out by the pool? You with your décolletage, feather boa and cigarette holder on the chaise? Or do you fear they’d be too distracted by our beauty?
She: Yes, dear.
— Share your thoughts with leslie@lesliedinaberg.com.