She: I can’t believe I escaped from our school auction without buying anything.

Z: You obviously didn’t drink enough.

She: Unfortunately, I did. But that was after they took everything away and started tallying.

Z: Bad for them, but good for us. To this day, I still don’t understand why you paid $200 for that handprint tray in 2004.

She: It was so cute. I love those little handprints.

Z: Adorable. They’re like people or something, only with tiny hands. And, oh, yeah, our kid’s pawprint wasn’t even on it!

She: So I get a little too into the thrill of the bidding competition sometimes.

Z: Just a little. But then, that’s how public schools pay for everything these days.

She: A bunch of adults get together, drink martinis, play fake gambling, bid on dinners, fancy baskets and weekends at other parents’ vacation condos, and voila! Instant art teacher and science specialist.

Z: Yes. It makes so much more sense to do it this way than to pay for education through, oh say, taxes.

She: Who cares about the kids or the future of the nation, when we’ve got predatory lenders to take care of?

Z: “It will be a great day when schools get $700 billion, and they have to hold a bake sale to bail out Wall Street.” Isn’t that the quote?

She: Something like it.

Z: The sad thing is that bake sales don’t even cut it for schools anymore.

She: Now it’s all auctions and party books and events.

Z: Which, I’ll grant you, is a lot more fun than buying cookies.

She: I like cookies.

Z: I like the martinis. At the same time, there’s always something that feels a little bit too upper crust at these events. Sure, it’s Santa Barbara, and there are a lot of people with money, and this is a good, clean, fun way to get some of that money into the schools — but did we really have to make the poor people from our school dress up like butlers? That seemed excessive.

She: We didn’t do that. And education is getting tough to pay for everywhere. Did you read about that girl who auctioned off her virginity on the Howard Stern Show to pay for grad school?

Z: She was old enough for grad school but still a virgin? Sure. Was she also auctioning off some super-hot, subprime mortgages?

She: The worst part is she had a degree in women’s studies.

Z: So does Howard Stern. Ba-dum-bum.

She: I couldn’t help but thinking about that auction when I was setting up for ours.

Z: Eww! No virgins for sale at our elementary school auction. Please.

She: Eww! Not that. It made me think what lengths people will go to just to pay for their education, or their kids’ education.

Z: And yet, they all whine and complain about taxes or bonds that go to pay for their kids’ education.

She: Or to pay for other kids’ education, so that the next time they go to Starbucks, the struggling student behind the counter will know how to give them correct change.

Z: Instead, we have to auction off parking spaces to the highest bidder.

She: Don’t make fun, I wanted that parking space.

Z: Even though it didn’t come with a butler?

She: Yes, dear.

Send your bidding tips to She and Z at leslie@lesliedinaberg.com.