She: The calendar says it’s mid-November. That means Thanksgiving hasn’t happened yet, right? I didn’t miss an entire season, did I?
Z: I’m sure you have it saved on the DVR.
She: If it’s still pre-Thanksgiving, then why are there Christmas decorations everywhere I go? And why do our neighbors still have pumpkins in their front yard?
Z: For the pie.
She: The separation between Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas has completely disappeared. It should be legislated, and hopefully more effectively than the separation between church and state.
Z: It’s Thankschristmoween, the hap-happiest time of the year. Not to be confused with Hallowthanksmas.
She: And it’s not just the holidays. The seasons used to be so simple: football in the fall, basketball in the winter, baseball in the spring, and beach in the summer.
Z: The circle of life.
She: Now sports are constant, and Hallmark has discombobulated the holidays so that they start three months too soon.
Z: Never mind Costco where they put out beach towels and sunscreen this week.
She: It’s not even Thanksgiving yet and the dancing turkeys have been replaced by dancing Santa
Z: That’s for the new reality TV series, Dancing with the Holiday Icons.
She: That’s better than dancing with the sports’ seasons. In the course of 24 hours, Koss had a flag football game, soccer playoffs and basketball tryouts.
Z: During a month when there was the World Series, the start of the basketball and hockey seasons, the middle of football season, and the finals in pro soccer.
She: It’s all very confusing. Not to mention that I spent all day yesterday at a photo shoot where we tried to make fall leaves look like spring flowers.
Z: This time of year does seem particularly befuddling.
She: Definitely. Look at the weather for the last month. Mother Nature has been positively perimenopausal. She’s hot, she’s cold, she’s raining, she’s hot again.
Z: She wants salt, she wants sugar, she wants to cuddle, and then she wants her space.
She: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Z: She’s also a bit forgetful.
She: I’m talking about the annoyingly inconsistent weather. Consistency used to be one of the beauties of living in Santa Barbara.
Z: True. Santa Barbarians are perfectly calibrated to operate at maximum efficiency when the weather is between 76 and 81 degrees. Add humidity to the mix or high winds and we start feeling a little bit nervous. The tiniest bit of rain makes this one woman I know want to hibernate by the fire and never ever drive her car again.
She: I’m just thinking about the good of the community.
Z: Of course. It’s perfectly natural that the extremes in weather affect your moods.
She: Not to mention that the weather dictates our wardrobes.
Z: Shorts till October, pants till May.
She: I used to be able to pull out my jeans, boots and light sweaters in November and I’d be golden. Now I have no idea what to wear. The other day I had on Ugg boots, a tank top and a wool scarf.
Z: I’d tell you to dress based on what holiday it was, but I’m not really sure which holiday it is. Are we supposed to dress for Thanksgiving now? Or should I pull out my reindeer sweaters?
She: Do I dress for football? Halloween? Winter? Soccer? Spring?
Z: I say we embrace it all. ‘Tis the season for every season!
She: Forget it. I’m going inside to huddle by the fire and never drive my car again.
Z: Happy Masweengiving!
She: Yes, dear.
— Share your holiday tales with She and Z by e-mailing email@example.com.