Question from Nicole
Let me preface this with I’m a somewhat jealous person and it is misplaced sometimes. I trust my partner but I overthink way too much in situations and create problems in my head that aren’t actually there.
I recently found out that my partner has lied to me about two women that he had slept with prior to our relationship. The number of sexual partners or girlfriends he’s had before me has never been a problem, and when he’s seen my jealous side it’s always been more because his female co-workers flirt with him or he has his exes as Facebook friends.
One of these women ended up becoming a good friend of mine and was very supportive of me and my relationship always. I consider her a true friend who has never shown ill intentions.
One night I was talking to her about how much I love him and see a future with him. I was basically just saying how great he was and she stopped me. She told me she didn’t know if I knew the whole story but she felt that she had to get it off her chest. I told her it was no big deal and that I knew they had gone on a date and shared a kiss but this just showed her how in the dark I actually was.
She and I have been friends for six to seven months at this point, and she tells me that she doesn’t want this to affect our friendship and that’s why she didn’t say anything sooner because she enjoys spending time together. She then tells me how they slept together and explained how the situation played out.
She apologized profusely and said she would have spoken up sooner had she known he lied to me about it since I deserved to know this because he knew she and I developed a friendship. This is when she tells me that the other girl in question had confided in her that they slept together, too.
I confronted him and asked him if this was all true. He said, yes, it was true and then I asked him why he straight up lied to my face multiple times when I had asked him before if he specifically slept with these two girls. He says he lied because he knows that I get very jealous and he believed that it would cause issues at our job.
I’ve told him how I’ve felt and we’ve talked extensively about why he felt like he needed to lie about this and how I just feel like I can’t trust him anymore, but he wishes to work things out. I just don’t know where to begin.
Weezy
I believe that all honorable people tell white lies. We tell them because the truth would be a greater harm. For example:
“Do you like my new haircut?”
“It’s super cute.”
Actually, you hate it. But are you the type of person who would say, “It’s hideous, but it will grow back, right?”
As we grow and mature, we better learn when to tell a white lie and when to build trust with the truth.
When it comes to opinion questions, the truth will only reveal itself if you tell someone else that you truly despise the haircut and it gets back to the bad-haircut person. Otherwise, your opinion is your opinion.
When it comes to our sex lives, there are those with whom we’ve engaged in sex and they, too, have their stories. The truth is out there.
Your boyfriend is learning, the hard way, that he can’t shield you from a reality by lying to you.
What matters is that your boyfriend is committed and faithful to you now. His past relationships do not really matter but he does need to be honest with you about them. Especially in a small town. Especially when you are friends with his exes!
This should serve as a very painful lesson for him. If he is not willing to learn and grow, then he is not the guy for you anyway.
Taking a few days apart is a good idea for both of you. Then continue talking about your priorities and expectations within this relationship. Ask him what he needs as well.
Good people lie because they fear that the truth will cause those they love to feel badly or, worse, to leave them. You can help this good person better understand that between the two of you, he can lie about how much he loves the sandwich you made him but you expect the truth about his love life as long as he is sharing it with you.
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Question from Serena
I did a bad thing this weekend. And not just a thing like sneaking out or smoking weed, but a serious thing that can get me in trouble with serious people.
My friends and I had eaten a bunch of sugar before the “thing” happened and I wasn’t thinking clearly. In context to this story, when doing things that I shouldn’t be doing, I usually push the rules until it’s too late.
So, this guy I’ll call “Steve” has liked me for a while. I try not to do this, but he basically does whatever I say and agrees with all of my opinions even when I know he really doesn’t.
The bad thing that I did has to do with him. I’m scared that he will tell his mom and that his mom will call the cops. I made him promise/swear that he won’t tell but I don’t know if he will keep his promise.
In the dark place inside of me I want everyone (even the cops and my parents) to know what I did so I could feel closure about the whole incident. Everyone at school is calling me stupid and judging me for something that lasted five minutes and happened when I wasn’t thinking clearly.
I don’t know what to do and I can’t eat or sleep. Please help before I do something drastic and complicate my life even more.
Weezy
I don’t know what you did or what you talked this kid into doing, but whatever it is, you went too far. You went so far that you terrified yourself — and that is a good thing.
It means that even though your acceptable behavior gauge was turned way, way up. It was not entirely broken. Once you hit its max, you reacted. You are shocked and shattered by what you were capable of doing.
This means that beneath all of your bravado and swagger you are kind, caring and full of empathy. This one event will allow you to adjust your own barometer. Never again will you humiliate others for your own amusement. Never again will you test devotion by twisting and bending it to see where it will break.
At the core of that behavior is deep insecurity. “How much does Steve love me? Why would he love me? I need to punish him for loving me.”
And Steve, as broken as you, was devoted despite your cruelty. Or maybe because of it. He probably believes that this is how he deserves to be treated.
The two of you were caught in a dangerous dance. You saw his blind love as weakness. You toyed with him because you had to see how far you could push him. The breaking point that you reached was not his but yours. You discovered how far you could push yourself.
What, exactly, were you capable of doing? You did not like the answer to that question.
“The dark place inside of you” that wants to expose the truth is not dark at all. It is lightness that is longing to shine. Secrets are corrosive. The truth heals.
It appears that the entire school knows what happened, and we both understand how news travels. A parent or a teacher will find out. On top of which, you are haunted by this.
Do the right thing. Own it. Apologize and accept the consequences. Even if it involves law enforcement.
You are a minor and if you take responsibility for what you did, and express sincere contrition, the authorities will be inclined to work with you in helping you learn from your mistakes. The punishment for this offense will not be worse than what you are currently doing to yourself.
If your actions went too far without killing or permanently harming anyone, see that as a blessing. So many people keep their foot on the accelerator until there really is no undoing what they have done.
It is time for you to come clean and do some deep introspection. You are ready to change, and that can and will happen once you fully apologize and vow that those five minutes, however disturbing, are serving as a much needed wakeup call.
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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at news@noozhawk.com and it may be answered in a subsequent column.
— Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She also co-hosts the podcast Media Path with Fritz Coleman, and teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.