She: I can bring home the bacōn, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you’re a man …
Z: What’s with the macron? Isn’t it just bacon?
She: Nope. bacōn. By Fargginay.
Z: Have we decided to start adding randōm punctuation to our cōlumns?
She: It’s pronounced Bay-Cone. It’s the brand new fragrance from Fargginay.
Z: Now you’re just saying silly words.
She: I’m 73 percent sure it’s a real thing. I almost ordered you a bottle for your birthday, but I wasn’t sure if you’d prefer the bacōn Classic or the bacōn Gold.
Z: What’s the difference? Does bacōn Classic smell like old bacon?
She: They both smell like bacon, but bacōn Classic has a “spicy maple aroma” while bacōn Gold has more of a “memorable sizzling citrus” odor.
Z: I feel like I’m being punked.
She: Maybe. After all, their tag line is “scent by the gods.” But I don’t think I’d mind it if you smelled like bacon. It might be good scent on you. Better than the stench of bicycle sweat or pool chlorine.
Z: bacōn is a man perfume? You know I hate those things.
She: But this one smells like bacon. I bet you’d spend most of the day just sniffing yourself.
Z: I call that Tuesday.
She: And, in fact, it’s a unisex scent.
Z: That’s not good. What if I start dating a girl who wears bacōn, she breaks my heart, and then I make friends with a guy who wears bacōn? That could be very confusing. Never mind how I would break down sobbing every time I had breakfast at a diner.
She: I don’t think you should be dating a girl in the first place. It would be bad for our marriage.
Z: I’m just saying. What’s the appeal of making it unisex?
She: Bacon may not be kosher, but it’s universal.
Z: Unless you’re a vegetarian. Then it’s more like bacon mace.
She: In the immortal words of Katy Perry, “Bacon is like the candy of meats.” It’s hard to resist. So it seems logical that men would find it an inviting scent on a woman, and girls would find it very yummy on a guy.
Z: What if I’m making out with my new girlfriend, and I forget that she’s not actually bacon, and I take a bite? Seems like a liability issue.
She: Fargginay.
Z: I’m just saying.
She: They’re not breaking new ground. Meat has made an appearance in fragrances before. Burger King has a scent called Flame.
Z: Eau d’Porky Pig is looking pretty classy.
She: It was advertised as “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat.”
Z: I guess if the band KISS can have its own fragrance, so can the creepy King.
She: It makes me think we should develop a fragrance of our own.
Z: How about onïon? Or gãrlic? Those are both good cooking smells. You’d still have the biting issues, but yum.
She: Eww. I was thinking more like the vanilla cinnamon-scent Snickerdoodles. Everybody likes Snickerdoodles.
Z: Plus it’s fun to say.
She: And cinnamon is pretty gender neutral.
Z: What about booze and bōdy odor? Those are pretty gender neutral.
She: Those are pretty universally gross. You need something tasty and hard to resist.
Z: I got it. ChöcôlatE Bacōn. A spray-on fragrance collaboration from See’s Candies and Burger King.
She: That’s brilliant. If you start wearing that, I’ll even let you keep your girlfriend.
Z: Yes, dear.
— Share your bacon-scented dreams by emailing leslie@lesliedinaberg.com. Follow Leslie Dinaberg on Twitter.