As a community, we must act now to prevent future grooming and sexual abuse, and the devastating long-term consequences.
Specifically, parents and caregivers must empower their children to recognize and report grooming and abuse, and schools, sports organizations and community groups must enact robust preventive policies.
Heartbreakingly, in the last six months, three stories have reported on teens in Santa Barbara County having been abused in local school or sports settings.
In December, a jury ruled that the Santa Barbara Unified School District was 80% at fault for the grooming and sexual abuse of a student by a former Dos Pueblos High School assistant football coach and security guard, and awarded the victim $25 million.
I am a Santa Barbara physician and an abuse prevention expert. In the wake of the Yates Report detailing extensive abuse in the National Women’s Soccer League, I was appointed to the U.S. Soccer Federation Participant Safety Task Force. The task force is responsible for protecting 3 million soccer players (from 5 year olds to professionals) nationally.
Research indicates children are most vulnerable to sexual abuse between the ages of 7 and 13. The median age for reported abuse is 9 years old. But, more than 20% of children who are sexually abused are abused before age 8.
Sadly, these statistics likely underreport the frequency of sexual abuse, and do not take into account covert emotional abuse (grooming) and overt emotional and physical abuse.
We can prevent much of this abuse, and the devastating consequences, by using age-appropriate descriptions to empower children, teens and young adults to recognize and report all forms of abuse.
I have repeatedly offered Santa Barbara Unified School District Superintendant Hilda Maldonado, as well as local school principals, free educational sessions to help students, parents and school staff recognize and report the early subtle signs of grooming, and the more obvious behaviors of overt emotional, physical and sexual abuse.
To date, no one has responded to my offers.
Parents and caretakers, you don’t need to wait for the school district or your neighborhood school to act. Educate yourselves and empower your children to spot and stop abusive spider coaches, teachers, theater directors, religious leaders, romantic partners and self-help influencers. Click here for free resources.
Demand that your schools, sports organizations and community groups implement robust abuse prevention policies.
While you may feel uncomfortable discussing grooming and abuse with your children, it is easier than you think to prepare yourself to talk about these topics.
And proactive conversations are definitely less uncomfortable than the conversations you will need to have if your child is abused.
It is crucial to teach your children to recognize the early and extremely subtle signs of grooming (aka covert emotional abuse or coercive control).
These signs include making the victim feel special, including love bombing (giving the child special attention or gifts); sneakily cultivating “trust” with your child, and often with you, and in the community (“Don’t be nervous, you can trust me.”); playing on your child’s desires (desire to feel cool, seen, understood, supported. “I am the only person who really knows how special you are.”); making promises (promises of love, of success in sports, school or performing arts. “I will help you make your dreams come true.”); instilling fear and a sense of dependency (“If you leave me you will never find love, never succeed.”)
Most concerning, usually abusers will encourage your child to dismiss your concerns and separate from you (“Your parents don’t understand you. They’ve never supported you.”); to isolate from other supportive adults and concerned peers (“They don’t understand our relationship. They’re just trying to bring you down.”); and compel your child to keep secrets and lie to protect the abuser (“if anyone asks, just say …”).
Parents and caregivers, please act now to protect your child. Empower them to describe the specifics of all four types of abuse; consistently ask them about what they see and how they feel at school and during their extracurricular activities; believe them when they share concerns; and demand that your schools, sports organizations and community groups enact robust preventive policies.
Together we can protect our children from abuse and the devastating psychological after-effects.
