Do you remember that time when you logged on to your social media account and saw all those photos of your besties out for dinner, drinks and a concert?
You enlarged the photos with your fingers and clicked through all of the tags to see who else was invited. You checked your texts to see if maybe you missed the invite.
Then you felt that pit of heartbreak in your stomach and wondered what happened?
It can be challenging enough as an adult working through a web of friendships in the age of social media, but now imagine what it would be like as a teen just starting out, discovering their identity and self-expression through the lens of today’s social media.
Let’s talk about teens, screens and social media.
Teen Pressures Are the Same
Being a teen has never been easy. For many, awkwardness starts with changing bodies, interests and friendships. The move to high school from middle school presents the challenge of increasing workload, creating a new support network of friends and fighting peer pressure to make healthy choices.
It is no coincidence that an increase in teen anxiety, sleeplessness, loneliness and worry coincides with the emergence of smartphones and social media.
What Are Some Social Media Stressors?
What is it about social media that heightens the normal pressures of being a teen? Here are a few examples:
» Feeling pressure to have friends “like” and comment on their posts.
» Watching friends post about activities to which they weren’t invited.
» Pressure to always look attractive or have an exciting post to share.
» Fear of having peers post about them in an embarrassing way.
» Stress that if their phone is out of reach, they might miss an important message or notification.
» Worry that not staying up-to-date on the latest posts may prevent full participation in conversations at school.
» Concern that if they don’t respond to a friend’s post quickly enough, that they may be replaced by a new friend.
Where Can You Start As a Parent?
Set an example you want your teen to follow. If you constantly have your phone in hand or within arms-reach (I am guilty of this), you are setting an example for your teen.
Watch what you post and realize that your kids may be “following” you on social media.
Be mindful of how much time you are spending scrolling through low quality social media content.
Pay attention to what is triggering your teen to be stressed. If your teen seems irritable or overwhelmed by social media, sit down with her and try to understand what is going on in her world.
Do your best to offer support, build up her self-esteem and keep open lines of communication. Set aside time to leave the phones at home, go read books at a coffee shop, take a walk on the beach or grab a bite to eat together.
Oversight is OK (and necessary). Parents often ask if it’s OK to keep track of their kids’ social media footprint. Not only is it OK, I think it’s essential.
My recommendation is to let your kids know you are the parent (and the person who is paying for their phone) and that you have the right (and responsibility) to access their social media and phone content.
Don’t abuse this. Consider it to be a deterrent and a way to head off a major crisis, but not as a way to spy on private conversations.
Be sure to remind them frequently that their social media footprint will last forever, and the things they post and “like” today may be used against them in the future when they are looking to get into college or apply for a job.
Periodic reviews of your son’s social media posts may also help you anticipate topics that may be causing him worry.
Set time limits on phone and social media use to minimize endless and mindless scrolling, aka “brain rot.”
Declare family “screen-free” times. Think about turning off the screens at a preset time each night, at the dinner table, in the car or when the TV is already on.
If your teen is struggling to fall asleep at night or is especially tired in the morning, try turning off screens 60-90 minutes before bedtime. This can allow the brain to calm down and prepare for sleep. (This tip works for parents, too.)
Do not let your teen take his phone to bed. Set up a charging station outside of the bedroom to prevent notifications from disrupting sleep and to minimize the craving to scroll through social media after bedtime.
Create an occasional phone-free weekend or plan an afternoon hike in a place known to have no cell reception. You may just find that your teen starts to relax and I bet you will, too.
It’s Not All Negative
As a parent, it is super tempting to want to just take your teen’s phone away. As a pediatrician who is well aware of the connection between social media and the epidemic of anxiety affecting my teenage patients, it is really hard for me to not jump on top of my exam table and advocate for a ban on social media for minors.
But these are not practical solutions and should not be necessary if we, as parents, are more aware of the time we are all spending on our screens and take the time to understand what is stressing out our teens.
Social media does not have to be all negative. A post can allow a teen a chance at positive self-expression, the opportunity to raise awareness about a topic that is meaningful to them or the ability to share a special moment.
A social media post has the potential to be an empowering and confidence building experience.
So take a step back, be mindful of how much your own phone is in your own hand, and think about how to approach your teen and talk about screens and social media.