Question from Riley
I feel trapped. Even though I’m nearly 17, I don’t know how to do anything on my own because I’ve never been allowed to. I really don’t know if I’m asking for too much, but I’m literally not allowed to step out the front door by myself, and not too far into the future I’ll have to do everything for myself.
I know it’s because my parents love me and they’re afraid if they give me too much freedom I’ll get hurt, but I feel like I deserve more than I get.
Sometimes I can go to the movies with someone, but other than that I’m not allowed anywhere without my parents or someone else’s parents.
I’ve tried to talk to my mom about it but she just gets upset and acts like I’m saying I don’t want to be around her anymore — no matter how I word it.
Am I being rude and asking for too much, or am I right that when a kid is nearly 17 they should have more freedom? I’m asking because while I see my mom’s point of view, I don’t completely understand her reasoning.
Weezy
Her reasoning is probably about 90 percent fear. As a parent, she should be willing to undergo a certain amount of terror to prepare you for your adult life. So, yes, you deserve more freedom and yes, you NEED more freedom.
Here is how you should plead your case:
Receiving more freedom now before you leave the nest will give you an opportunity to experience a little independence and grow more confident and comfortable in dealing with life outside your bubble of safety. You will learn to be careful and trust your instincts. You will learn where to turn for help and how to ask for directions or information. You will learn that you can rely upon yourself and find your way back home.
Not only will some controlled freedom help you become more experienced and independent, it will also allow you to APPEAR more confident and less vulnerable, which will make you SAFER.
Explain to your mother that grown-up life will be far less terrifying for you if she permits you to have certain experiences now, while you are still her minor child. You want this learning curve to be manageable. You want to be able to come home to your parents and talk about how things went so that you can receive their advice and guidance.
The truth is that while you are out, your mom will not be having a good time. She will be in a state of near conniption until she hears that key turn in the door.
So, agree to answer every text with at least a “sign of life” emoji. Agree on reasonable frequencies and time frames concerning her texts and your responses. Agree on the curfew time and BE EARLY for that.
This is not fun for your parents. Be sensitive to what they will be experiencing. The more responsibility you show them, the more freedom they will be willing to provide.
Their job, as parents, is to prepare you to fly. They can not do that while holding down your wings. Have a very open, warm, loving and understanding conversation with your parents. Explain how much safer you will feel at 18 if they give you a little bit of freedom now. Ask them to help you learn how to fly.
You are not alone. The struggle is real:
(Videojug video)
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Question from Matilda
Tonight was the first major fight I’ve had with my boyfriend. I mentioned wanting to get my lip pierced and he argued with me with reasons I shouldn’t, like “it changes people,” “Nobody wants their kids around somebody like that” or “You’re beautiful and I don’t want you to change.”
Even when I told him it upset me he kept saying things like this. It’s so unlike him, and he couldn’t understand why I was upset. I asked this here because I know a lot of people would tell me to just break up with him, but we’ve been dating for almost a year and I really do love him.
In nearly a year I guess one real fight isn’t bad, but this still hurts me a lot. I don’t understand why he feels like this, no matter how much he tries to explain and he can’t see my side of it either. What do I do in this situation?
Weezy
I can see both sides. He sounds like a guy who only goes to the wall over something that really matters to him. No, he does not get to tell you what to do, BUT, from his point of view, a lip piercing really IS a big deal. It will completely alter your face. AND he sees it as sort of a lifestyle choice that runs counter to his. He’s scared.
Now, cosmetic choices do run in waves and today’s lip piercing may be yesterday’s “Beatle Cut.” I am no expert. But if you do feel that he is out of line here, where would you be willing to place that line? Does he get to have an opinion on a tongue or a cheek piercing? How about a face tattoo?
At what point does your boyfriend’s opinion get to factor into your decision? When would you get to take issue with something HE was deciding to do?
We’ve got three issues here. The first is that your boyfriend does not want you to pierce your lip, but a more important element is that you are offended by his dissent. So, only YOU can decide what’s acceptable to you. My view is that he gets to weigh in on this one. Even after careful thought, your opinion my vary.
BUT … what if, rather than feeling like he has overstepped a boundary, you were able to think of something that he could do to his appearance that would really make you go, “Woah. I did not sign up for this!”
Granted, he is coming down pretty hard when he alludes that children will run from you in fear. They won’t. But, you’re shutting down and so he’s hitting a bunch of notes on your piano in the hopes that you will respond to one of them.
Continue the conversation and rather than judging his judgment of you, let him speak. The third and possibly the most important issue is this: He is afraid that you are changing into a person who is fundamentally unlike him. If you listen to him, he is more likely to hear you when you say, “It’s just a cosmetic choice. I will still be me.”
This is not just a lip piercing. It’s a conversation very much worth having.
And to bottom line it, a pierced lip may just be a deal breaker for him. Here’s something from BuzzFeed.
(BuzzFeedYellow video)
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Question from Tanya
Is it OK to take revenge? I know most people think it’s not good. But what if the person really deserves it?
Me and my boyfriend broke up two months ago. I know he talks behind my back, and acts nice to my face. So I want to do something bad to him, but I’m not going to hurt him. Just to teach him a lesson.
I have always been a good girl but I think he deserves it.
Weezy
Revenge never “teaches a lesson.” It serves only as an outlet for you, and it escalates the toxic energy between you and this guy. The most powerful tool you could apply would be your complete indifference to anything he says or does.
When a person gets really angry, their rage-filled mind is often screaming, “HE NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND WHAT HE’S DOING TO ME!!”
And so they plot revenge thinking that they can force someone to feel what they are feeling. They can’t. This is because different people process emotional information differently.
In fact, this is why there is war. Perceived threats or insults can escalate quickly into something very ugly. Isn’t it time for us to evolve beyond brutal and radical reactions to hurt and fear? Doesn’t war create more problems than it solves?
And let’s be honest. An act of revenge is an act of war. This situation begs for complete disengagement.
Even gently teaching someone how you would like to be treated makes no sense if that person will not continue playing a role in your life. Your work there is done. Let life impart its lessons. He will get what he puts out. If he is talking badly about you, then that will make him look petty and small.
You create your own reputation every day that you walk through the world. He does not have the power to take your integrity from you.
It’s Yours alone. Own it. Be proud of your actions. Let this guy go. Walk on with dignity.
Noah Levy knows more than a thing or two about futility of revenge:
(Noah Levy video)
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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at news@noozhawk.com and it may be answered in a subsequent column.
— Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Journals, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. She also teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.