Dear Feelings Doctor: My husband and I have three children all in high school. With busy lives, doors always swinging one way or the other and with people dashing here and there, I feel there is no time for what really matters — connecting with our kids. Advice, please!
— Charlotte
Dear Charlotte: Over and over again, I have parents ask me what to do so their children, ranging in ages 5 to 21, will know that they care about them. Seriously, “What do I do with my son; he is falling behind in his schoolwork?” “What do I say to my daughter about her choice in friends?”
If you as a parent are present for your children, whether it be picking them up from school and being hands-on every day, or making it home in time for dinner so that the family can bond over breaking bread, or perhaps a hurried parent who barely has time to tuck their children in at night after a long, hard day, so many families have extremely busy schedules just to keep things running smoothly. Once again, it is the quality of time spent, not the quantity.
What’s important is what you say to your children, how you let them know without a doubt that they are so important to you and that you are there for them no matter what. If you let them know, even though you leave the house early in the morning and come back after dark, that there is always time for a talk, that the door to your heart is always open for any kind of discussion they need, then they will grow up in the safety of that thought, knowing that they matter every day.
If possible, give them your cell phone number and make sure that when they call you, always answer it. Everyone else can wait!
Dear Feelings Doctor: It’s that time of the season when I try to think of special ways to give back to my community and my relatives with gifts that have meaning and not just a price tag. Any suggestions? Thanks.
— Mona in Santa Barbara
Dear Mona: This is the new millennium challenge, my friend! With so many wonderful nonprofits connecting us to clean water projects or sending medicine to Third World countries, there are several available right here in Santa Barbara. Sending chickens to a village in your family’s name or supporting a girl through college who may never go otherwise, these things are all possible.
These giving ideas that you set in motion now will go on generation after generation in your family circle, while making a powerful and important difference in another person’s life forever. Here are two that may be of interest: GirlUp.org and MAIApparel.com.
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Imagine This …
“The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve.” — Dr. A. Schweitzer
— Psychotherapist Randi Rabin, M.A., MFTI, answers reader questions in her weekly Noozhawk column, The Feelings Doctor, and can be contacted at randi@noozhawk.com. She received her bachelor’s degree in psychology from Antioch University Santa Barbara and completed her master’s degree in psychology at Pacifica Graduate Institute under the guidance of renowned psychologist Stephen Aizenstat, Pacifica’s chancellor and founding president. She has worked as a counselor with a number of local nonprofit organizations and schools. Click here for previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.