From the time I was old enough to reach the kitchen counter, my mom and I would help my grandmother make pumpkin pie every Thanksgiving.
I remember watching in awe how fast she mixed the filling, reaching to grab spices without looking and seemingly adding ingredients out of order. Sitting next to her, fingers covered in flour, I would watch her demonstrate how to crimp the edges of the dough so the pie would look like it came from a bakery.
There was no recipe or any measuring utensils used, but year after year, I learned the rhythm of her baking, and by the time I was in college, I was on pie duty with her careful supervision.
It was a time with her that I always treasured, not just for her baking knowledge, but for the conversations we had. It was often that at some point in the conversation, my grandmother would share her thoughts about death; she wasn’t afraid to die and equally unafraid to share that she did not want to be in pain if she could pass peacefully.
It should have felt morbid, but my mom and I knew it came from a place of honesty and love. She wanted us to know what was important to her, both her wishes for end-of-life and our piemaking tradition.
My grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s shortly after I graduated college. It was an incredibly difficult time for my family, but there was one thing that we absolutely had clarity about: how she wanted to die.
Although my grandmother never formally filled out an Advance Directive, a legal document outlining medical wishes for end-of-life care, my mom and I never forgot those conversations in our kitchen. So when the time came for my grandmother to enter hospice, she received comfort measures and was able to die peacefully in her sleep.
As the holiday season approaches and you spend more time with your loved ones, you may find yourself with more opportunities to talk about Advance Care Planning. No doubt, it can be a scary topic to bring up during such a cheerful time; fear, anxiety, and awkwardness are all incredibly common when thinking about end-of-life care.
Elderly parents and grandparents may think bringing up Advance Care Planning will feel like a burden to their adult children, and adult children, in turn, may be afraid that talking about death means they think their loved one is dying.
But the most important thing is having the courage to start the conversation. While not everyone can be as open about death as my grandmother, grounding these conversations in love and honesty can help our family members overcome any emotional hurdles to Advance Care Planning.
Reflecting on what makes life worth living, memories of late loved ones, or traditions passed down to us are great starting points for these conversations. Even if you don’t take the final step to put your wishes in writing, having real conversations with your loved ones about your wishes can make all the difference.
Like a piemaking tradition, Advance Care Planning can be something you inherit and cherish for a lifetime.
Are you interested in learning more about Advance Care Planning? Attend our upcoming workshop at Ridley Tree Cancer Center on October 13th and 20th from 4:30-6:00 PM!
Register here or visit www.getitdonesb.org to see the rest of our upcoming workshops, schedule a private one-on-one appointment with an experienced facilitator, or browse our Advance Care Planning resources.