My brother was murdered in 1993. John was my only sibling, younger by 3 years. Naturally, his death was a shock. I must admit, though, my grief recovery was a bigger shock. I found myself so angry at him dying! His death meant I was left alone to care for our mother! John was her favorite. I was the caregiver. Mother was an alcoholic. Dad had died in 1970.
I remember how strange it felt to understand why I was so angry, but understanding it did not take the anger away. This duality of feeling and understanding was too distracting for me. I had to reach out for help.
I joined a support group in Thousand Oaks for Survivors of Homicide. I generally benefit most from group therapy rather than talk therapy. Why? As a hospice grief counselor, I would be micromanaging the therapist. Support groups consist of many stories, many avenues to healing and points of view. I am stimulated by the input and fascinated by the power of compassionate conversation. Everyone has shared the same kind of loss; instant commonality. Everyone was eager to stop the constant sadness; be comforting and, at the same time, understood. Everyone was listening for answers; which is where the support begins. I recall a peaceful infusion happening for me … empathy and words created the healing companionship I sought.
I also found it challenging to listen to everyone’s story. Some sessions were too much like work. I would distance myself from the conversation; preferring to witness what I was feeling and saying. This was a strange time for me. Processing my brother’s death with a group of strangers was so unlike me!
And yet, week after week, I would drive south to attend.
I learned the anger I felt toward my brother for dying was unusual, not crazy.
I learned that I had difficulty expressing my anger; preferring to cry.
I gained a greater compassion for the people I serve. Recovery is possible. We are a resilient species. I am resilient without “the edge.”
Members of support groups reflect one another. A piece of you is a piece of them. Sharing our humanness strengthens us. Healing returns us to the wholeness of our self.
— Gail Rink, MSW, is executive director of Hospice of Santa Barbara. Call Hospice of Santa Barbara at 805.563.8820 for a schedule of adult and children’s groups.