Dear Congressman X: As part of my environmental outreach, I am emailing certain lawmakers who are not only out of state, but seemingly out of touch and possibly out of their minds when it comes to the climate crisis.
You are squarely in that category, so you can expect to hear from me — often — in the future.
Aide to Congressman X: Thank you for your email. We are adding it to the pile.
Dear Congressman X: It has come to my attention that you have a D- minus on the report card of every environmental organization in this country. On the plus side, you are indeed a great friend of working men and women, and I applaud your efforts to preserve their jobs.
Doing this by propping up the buggy whip (sorry, coal mining) industry, however, is misguided. Instead, invest more in the green economy that is creating millions of well-paying jobs.
Aide to Congressman X: Thank you for contacting Congressman X. He’s never heard that line of thinking before. Signed with laughing face emoji.
Dear Congressman X: I know you are staunchly pro-business, and I am pro-business myself. But did it not occur to you that if our species goes extinct — which we are well on the way to going — there will be no customers to buy your supporters’ (read: campaign contributors’) wares?
Aide to Congressman X: Glad you’re not wasting paper on your worn-out arguments.
Dear Congressman X: Would it surprise you to know that the elite eating club you frequent during those long, long breaks between sessions is powered by solar panels? Why do you think your dues are so reasonable? Take your nose out of The Wall Street Journal and smell the fresh air, brought to you courtesy of the Clean Air Act.
And that water the white-gloved waiter is pouring? I bet you never doubted that it’s pure, unlike the water in some of the countries where you go on fact-finding boondoggles (excuse me, missions) and always insist on the bottled kind, even to brush your teeth.
Would you have voted for the Clean Water Act? Probably not.
Aide to Congressman X: Now you’re taking on the whole U.S. Congress?
Dear Congressman X: You are old. I make allowances for that because I am old, too. But don’t you think the young people might be onto something as they lead the charge for a cleaner planet. Let’s give them a future — whaddya say?
Aide to Congressman X: I say I’m erasing your email. The Distinguished Gentleman does not need to read any more of your claptrap.
Dear Congressman X: I’m getting fed up with you, too. Do you not live on Planet Earth? Do you not owe your grandchildren the healthy lifestyle you’ve enjoyed? If the answer to these questions is yes, then why are you voting against every green measure that comes before you? Is nothing more important to you than getting re-elected? (Sorry, that’s a rhetorical question.)
Real progress can only be made at the national level, so get on board or get out of the way!
Aide to Congressman X: Watch yourself, missy. You’re one email away from the FBI watchlist.
Maybe the aide is right; maybe I should retire from congressional outreach. For some reason, I don’t have a knack for painting the bright side of the environmental picture. Perhaps because there is none — thanks to lawmakers such as Congressman X.
— Santa Barbara author Barbara Greenleaf founded ECO Team to help repair the world, one paper bag at a time. For information, please email her at barbara@barbaragreenleaf.com. Click here for previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.