3 Stars — Challenging
A marriage counselor asked me: “Why would you go see a movie about the breakup of a marriage?” Everyone else wants to go see a romantic love story or comedy. That is probably true, but this one creeps up on you and hits you between the eyes like a well-crafted mystery.
“Marriage Story” is a sobering look at the life and death of a relationship that isn’t based on anything obvious to the casual observer. Two people are talented, in love, attractive and attracted to each other, both wanting the same things, and both enjoying the life of parenthood. Both are supportive of each other’s career goals. If this represents the best modern face of marriage, why then is it that 50 percent of even good-on-the-surface marriages end up in divorce?
Perhaps a book a day is published on the real reasons this happens, with the simplest explanations focusing on a lack of communication, misunderstood values, or just plain social and sexual boredom. A deeper look could explore the superficiality of social fantasies about marriage or the lack of depth of any spiritual grounding in something greater than ourselves.
In any case, if you are looking for a movie on romance, this isn’t it. On the other hand, if you have been married for more than three years, this could be a valuable life lesson. “Marriage Story” is a reminder that love is hard work. It is also a good reminder that listening to your spouse or partner goes much deeper than you have probably been led to believe.
Charlie (Adam Driver) and Nicole (Scarlett Johansson) Barber and their young son, Henry (Azhy Robertson), live in New York City, where Charlie is an up-and-coming theater director and Nicole is a key figure in each of his plays. After a few years of marriage, the cracks in their communication begin as Nicole shares how unhappy she is and how she wants to move to Los Angeles to revive her television career. Charlie thinks this small break might help strengthen their commitment to each other, so he encourages her and Henry to go live with her mother in L.A. for a few weeks.
From that point on, the relationship goes through the multiple stages of death. The resulting scenes with divorce lawyers are both comical and tragic. For anyone who has been there, or had kids who have been there, this is where you will need a box of tissues because it all seems so sad to have come to this.
The power of the story is not in the arguing or dialogue, but in the moments of facing reality. Is what the lawyer saying about me the truth? Is what my spouse is sharing about me really who I am? Am I a bad person? Will the happiness I have experienced as a parent now abruptly come to an end? Looking across the table at someone you truly loved and who you are now tearing their life apart is a surreal feeling. Could death be worse than this? This is an out-of-body experience where you are watching yourself die before your eyes.
Some dissolutions of marriage and family end up with a war-style demilitarized zone that keeps the parties from killing each other. In the case of Charlie and Nicole, the pain is intensified as each one still wants the other in their life. They are still the parents of a wonderful son, and in many ways, they are still a family.
We only get a glimpse of what might come next, but there is still love deeply set in their lives. Every marriage goes through stages of metamorphosis in its lifetime, but this stage of moving from the “fantasy of my future life” to “this IS my life” hits almost everyone. It is a critical life-point that will either make or break your relationship and define who you are.
The sadness in “Marriage Story” is that the healing balm of a loving community is missing in their lives. Whether in a church or a strong family, we all need mentors and spiritual wisdom to remind us that we are not facing this alone, and that others have gone through the same process of discovery. In the words of a modern proverb, “Wisdom comes from experience, but experience comes from the lack of wisdom.” We need to be planted in the healthy soil of a healthy community of support in order to grow.
Discussion
» The first cracks in a windshield are often ignored until it spreads and destroys the entire glass. How do you respond to the first cracks in your relationships? How do you keep them from spreading?
» Love is fragile and yet foundational. How do you keep love as the foundation of your relationships such that the entire structure of your marriage or friendship is sound?
» The seemingly innocent entrance into this loss of marriage is alarming. How do you think small decisions such as living apart for a few weeks can often become the beginning of the end?
— Cinema in Focus is a social and spiritual movie commentary. Hal Conklin is a former mayor of Santa Barbara and Denny Wayman is the retired pastor of Free Methodist Church of Santa Barbara and lead superintendent of Free Methodist Church in Southern California. For more reviews, visit www.cinemainfocus.com, or follow them on Twitter: @CinemaInFocus. The opinions expressed are their own.