Question from Marco
I (17) am pansexual and gender fluid afab (Assigned Female At Birth) and am in love with my best friend (18) who is a straight cis female.
She is the only person I have fully come out to, and I suspect that she knows I like her. One day she told me that she has a crush on our male best friend and then immediately asked me if I wanted to kiss her afterward. I was really nervous, but obviously I said yes and then we kissed.
It was my first kiss. Then she pretended like nothing really had happened and we both played it off as a kind of joke. But after that, she has kissed me multiple times. After that she started talking to a guy she met on Snapchat and was even flirting with him on the phone while at my house, but then at midnight on New Year’s Eve she asked if I wanted to make out.
Obviously I once again agreed but, afterward, she told me she didn’t really feel anything and just played it off as a platonic kiss, but she was just as nervous and anxious as I was about it before we tried making out.
The next day I found out she had made a dating profile and was talking to random older men and was looking for a boyfriend. She also makes jokes about how when we’re older we’re gonna get married and she’ll somehow have my kids and I’ll raise them with her, and she plays around and pretends that we’re dating.
Do you think she doesn’t know how I feel about her or that she just doesn’t care? Also do you think she could possibly like me back or does it seem strictly platonic? I honestly just need some advice because I don’t have anyone to talk to about this in real life.
Weezy
I understand. None of this sounds at all platonic and I do not believe that romantic kissing can ever even be termed platonic. It’s a counter-intuitive concept. Like an elderly pre-schooler.
I think she is trying to figure out who she is and who she likes, and she is using your romantic interest in her while she goes about doing all of that. She’s not being fair to you or considering how this is rocking your feelings.
You need to be more honest with her. You can tell her that “Making out is not just practice. It stirs feelings.” Tell her that you do like her as more than a friend and that you can only continue behaving in a romantic way with her if she shares those feelings and is interested in being in a relationship with you.
Ask her if she could please stop “joking about getting married and having kids,” because that sounds like planning a future together. For you, that is no joke.
If you want her to know how you feel, she needs to hear how you feel. Then she needs to respect how you feel. I do hope that she is behaving in this callous fashion only out of confusion and immaturity. You do deserve a romantic partner who honors and protects your emotions.
(Mary Jo Rapini video)
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Question from Bryan C.
I have a problem of trying to date girls who just end up turning me down. Every girl I try to date says something like, “I just got out of a relationship, I think of you as a brother, or I only like you as a friend.”
I have asked out a lot of girls and I can’t tell the difference between if a girl likes me as just a friend or more than a friend. I’m just oblivious to it. I need advice on how to get a girlfriend.
Weezy
I get that you are very eager to have a girlfriend, but remember that you don’t really want to go out with just any girl who will date you. That won’t make either of you very happy.
Your fishing technique appears to be what I call “casting a wide net.” That’s where you ask out a lot of girls, hoping to catch at least one. This may eventually get you a girlfriend, but no matter how often you hear your uncle say, “Hey, Bud, there are a lot of fish in the sea,” girls are not fish.
You don’t want the girl who is just randomly stuck in your net. You want the girl who swims over to you.
And, yes, I know that I just told you that girls are not fish so let’s move on to another metaphor. You are currently lacking an ability to read the room. I say this because to me it looks like you are thus far describing girls who like you as a friend.
Some girls will turn you down very sweetly and others will be more blunt. But when a girl likes you romantically, they behave very differently. So, right now, rather than going for a girlfriend, why don’t you spend a month or two sharpening your attractar. (Attraction Radar … I just made up a word.)
Here are some tips:
When a girl likes you romantically she will spend more time making eye contact with you. You will look at her and catch her looking at you. She may laugh at all your jokes and touch your arm when you say something funny, or turn a little red when you speak to her, or go out of her way to be around you.
She may mention upcoming events to hint at going to said event with you. She may tease you or wrestle with you in a fun way. She may do nice things for you or find an excuse to buy you a little present. She may “jokingly” pick out your future house and name your future children. You get the idea.
If you are not seeing these signs, don’t ask the girl out yet. Just continue being a good friend.
If we were talking about one girl, I would say give yourself some space and allow your heart to heal. But I don’t get the sense that you are heartbroken by one particular girl. I think you just feel sad and hurt that none of these girls is wishing to date you.
I promise you that romance will come. Right now, be a good, kind friend. Be there. Listen. Do not undervalue friendship; it’s vital. You will have one romantic relationship at a time. You will have many enriching and rewarding friendships.
If a girl wants you to be her friend, that is a gift. Take it.
Relationships may come and go. Friendships can last forever. They can also lead to romance. But don’t push. Let it unfold naturally and when you see these signs, then ask her out.
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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at news@noozhawk.com and it may be answered in a subsequent column.
— Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She also co-hosts the podcast Media Path with Fritz Coleman, and teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.