People have different reactions to Valentine’s Day based on their past experiences, expectations and the traditions they have established for this day. While there is a small group that feels the romantic pull of the day that marketers constantly portray, the majority of us have different experiences.
For some, it is a day full of anticipation that often does not come close to meeting expectations, leading to disappointment. For others, it is a reminder of bad relationships and a time to feel lonely and ruminate on what could have been. And yet for others, it is just another day, albeit one where restaurants are full and often times the meals are more expensive.
Regardless of your feelings about Valentine’s Day, it is a good to take time to evaluate your traditions and expectations for the day, looking for new and more flexible options that allow you control and take stock of your relationships, focusing on improving their quality.
By letting go of preconceived notions of what Valentine’s Day “should” be like, we can move forward and embrace what the day will be like for us. Instead of fighting to make the day fit a mold prescribed by others, really think about what you would like to do on this day. Dispense with traditions that don’t work for you and be willing to try new experiences.
Instead of going out with the same couples you don’t really enjoy or going to a party where you find yourself feeling bored, break free and try out a new experience. While trying something new can feel uncomfortable at first, realize that this can be the first step to feeling better about the day and breaking free from a narrow definition of Valentine’s Day.
Many of us are disappointed on Valentine’s Day because our hopes for the day are not realized. We often give others the power to “make” our happiness on this day by letting them organize the plans or by failing to express what we really want the day to be like. By relinquishing our control over the day, we put ourselves in the vulnerable position of either feeling lucky when things go the way we wanted, or more likely, feeling angry and helpless when the day we hoped for does not materialize. Be clear about what it is you want this day to be like and then verbalize this to others in your life. You will be much more empowered and relaxed knowing that you have been active in creating the day you desire.
The focus on only a romantic partner on Valentine’s Day is limiting and can set us up for disappointment. Acknowledge your romantic partner on this day, but also consider using the day to appreciate all those friends and family members who offer you love and support each day. Reach out to them, appreciate them and incorporate this into your day.
Research has shown that friends are a very necessary ingredient in the recipe for achieving mental and physical health and successful aging. Taking an inventory of your friendship base and appreciating its importance in your life is the first step you can take toward ensuring you are filling this area necessary for optimal health.
Take this Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to reframe your beliefs and expectations of the day. Be bold in seeing the day differently than before. In short, reframe the day from one focused on the “perfect” romantic celebration to one that is flexible, allows you control over the day, breaks form traditions that do not work and acknowledges the importance of honoring all the social connections you have. You will feel empowered in designing the day you desire and breaking free of preconceived ideas about what the day “should” be like.
Wishing you a truly happy Valentine’s Day!
— Winifred Lender, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Santa Barbara and can be contacted at drwinifredlender@gmail.com. She is the author of A Practical Guide to Parenting in the Digital Age: How to Nurture Safe, Balanced and Connected Children and Teens available at Chaucer’s and Amazon. Dr. Lender completed her undergraduate work at Cornell University and received her master’s and doctorate degrees at the University of Pennsylvania. She completed a fellowship at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia/The University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and is a past president of the Santa Barbara County Psychological Association. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.