The following are words that I think need to be invented.*
* I understand that the correct name for these is portmanteau words, which comes from the English word for a suitcase that opens into two halves. (No extra charge for all this.)
» confunderant (con-fun’-der-ant) — a person who claims to be a consultant but only gives you confusing advice
» slitheriner (slith-er-in’-er, rhymes with shiner) — a person who sneaks in line ahead of you
» overacheater (o-ver-a-chee’-tor) — a person who gets As but only by copying from others
» mortoperator (mor-top’-er-a-tor) — a guy who goes to funerals to pick up women
» signother (sig’-no-ther) (as in sig-nify) — significant other, someone who lives with you
» regretort (re-gre’-tort) — that smart reply you think of about an hour later
» bananoodles (ban’-a-noo’’-dels) — those stringy things on a banana
» e-dict (ee’-dict) — a person who needs to check his emails 16 times a day
» intendid (in-ten’-did) — something you thought about for a long time and finally got around to doing
» retrospite (re’-tro-spite) — getting even
» platitudinator (pla-ti-tud’-in-a-tor) — a consultant who tells you things like “keep your nose to the grindstone,” “set goals” and “keep on keeping on”
» obliviate (ob-liv’-ee-ate) — the act of trying to ignore the fact that you just ate something that wasn’t on your diet
» confabulist (con-fab’- u- list) — a person who is good at convincing other people that he is the ultimate expert at whatever it is that he does (alt — a bullshit artist)
» disrelief (diss’-ree-leaf) — that strange feeling you get when your doctor tells you that the rare, incurable, flesh-eating disease you thought you had is only a case of dry skin
» mystifry (mis’-ti-fry) — an item on a Chinese menu
» mystifly (mis’-ti-fly) — the way the waiter describes it to you
» rectifly (reck’-ti-fly) — zipping up your pants
» inkubaiter (ink’-you-bay-tor) — a company that sells you a fancy printer for $129 and then charges you $18 each for cartridge refills that you seem to need every 30 pages or so
» regurgimate (ree-gurge’-i-mate) — your dumb Australian male friend who insists on taking you to a beer party that you don’t really want to go to where you get blind drunk and end up throwing up all over him
» genuwhim (jen’-yoo-wim) — that real antique tsotsche you bought on the weekend trip to Coney Island that you thought you really, really needed, but didn’t
» genuwine (jen’-yoo-wine) — not that cheap crap that comes in a box, for God’s sake
» genuwhine (jen’-yoo-wine) — I’m really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really sorry
— Paul Burri is an entrepreneur, inventor, columnist, engineer, guerrilla marketer and iconoclast. He is available to local organizations for speaking engagements and to local businesses for business consulting and/or mentoring. The opinions and comments in this column are his alone and do not reflect the opinions or policies of any outside organization. He can be reached at pburri@cox.net. Click here for previous Paul Burri columns. Follow Paul Burri on Twitter: @BronxPaul.