Don’t worry. I didn’t actually miss Mother’s Day. I spent a great day with my daughters — eating and beach walking and laughing and playing.
But, I did miss my self-imposed deadline of writing this piece early enough to be published in time for Mother’s Day.
And, why did that happen? Well, like many of us, I missed my own deadline because there are just too many projects to juggle, and not enough hours in the day.
And, that got me thinking about the pace of time and how quickly things are flying by.
When reflecting on parenting, it is said that “the days are long, but the years are short.” And, from my personal experience, I would say that is absolutely true.
Looking back, I remember having newborns where each night — filled with multiple feedings and diaper changes — felt like an eternity.
I remember potty training and temper tantrums. I remember the first day of kindergarten, the first wiggly tooth, and the first bike ride to the corner and back.
I remember the common feeling of going to bed exhausted, grateful to have “made it” through another day. And, the fact that everyone was still breathing simply felt like a bonus.
And now, just like that, my girls are almost 9!
NINE?!? I blink and I see them in junior high, then high school, and then moving away for their own adventures.
If we are lucky, we parents get 18 summers and 940 Saturdays with our kids, and then they’re out the door. On their own. Living their own life.
Where does the time go? And, how do I hold onto more of what I have now? How can I honor the moments that are right in front of me? And, how do I continue to protect the most important relationship in the world?
Well, first and foremost, I need to take a deep breath. And take a moment to realize my girls are still 8. They’re still in the third grade. And even though time seems to be accelerating every second, I have a lot of moments left to enjoy.
And then, when I take my second deep breath, I need to realize we all need to slow down. Big time.
We are living in a culture where being busy is a badge of honor. When you ask someone, “how are you doing?” the answer back 99 percent of the time is “good, just busy.”
What does that even mean? Are we just running from one thing to the next? Are we prioritizing what we want? Are we taking time for ourselves and with our children?
Most of us are caught up in a hectic whirlwind of events and activities that start on Monday morning and end on Sunday night, just in time to start all over again. Time slips by as we rush to check off all the items on our never-ending to-do lists.
Some families solve this problem by organizing big family vacations together — time to slow down, get away from the day-to-day distractions and build new experiences together. And while this can be a good option, you honestly don’t have to spend every waking hour around your children.
In fact, you may not even need to spend any more time with them.
It’s more about enhancing the quality of the time you spend. It’s about making our moments together more memorable, more meaningful and more connected.
Rather than feeling guilty about things or mourning the time you don’t have, think about ways to connect with your child — no matter their age — in ways that make sense for their interests, your relationship, and your lifestyle.
The all-elusive “quality time” we so yearn for and never seem to find — whether with our children, our partner, our friends or anyone else we care about — can happen when you least expect it.
The most impactful moments can happen in small doses, in minutes, throughout your day. It’s literally all about making those minutes matter.
Here are a few simple things you can do to create time with your children (or really, with anyone you care about):
» Eat a meal together. Yes, this could be dinner some nights of the week, but given our busy schedules, that might be tricky. Maybe it’s breakfast before school and work, or brunch on the weekends. There is no best meal to share with those you love.
» Leave a message. For young children, this might be a note in their backpack or lunchbox; for an older child, it might be a text or a short video.
» Plan a monthly excursion. Think of a new place to go or a new activity to do together each month. Maybe you trade off months so it doesn’t become only one person’s job to develop the plan.
» Turn your phone off for one hour each night. It’s not going to kill you for a text to go unanswered or a Facebook post to go unliked. During that hour, challenge yourself to not do the dishes or fold the laundry, and just talk with your children or play a game, or go for a walk. In my household, we have crazy dance parties.
Parenting is tremendously hard work. Of course, it’s some of the most fulfilling work we will ever be fortunate to do. But, let’s be honest, it can be long and tedious. It can be exhausting. And, it can feel isolating and never-ending.
Remember, it’s important to take breaks, to take care of yourself, and to ask for help. And, most importantly, please remember, that more than anything, kids need your reassurance, your time and your attention.
They don’t need expensive things or fancy gifts. They just need YOU.
— Alana Walczak is CEO of the nonprofit CALM (Child Abuse Listening Mediation), a leader in developing programs and services that effectively treat child abuse and promote healing, as well as programs that help prevent abuse through family strengthening and support. Click here for more information, or call 805.965.2376. Click here for previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.