Earlier this month I was happy to serve as the emcee for the annual boat Parade of Lights at the Santa Barbara Harbor.

The judges were hosted by Moby Dick Restaurant on Stearns Wharf, which offered them a prime viewing opportunity as the boats paraded by all lit up and festive.

For some unknown reason, the Waterfront Department trusted me with a microphone and all those people.

Best of all, the theme was Yuletide Pirates, which gave me as much literary license as I could ever want.

This was a boating event, so nautical jargon and mentality were the norm. I had a blast with the opportunity. Here are some of the things I shared with the crowd:

I’ve been a sea captain for decades and I’ve experienced high tides, low tides, ebb tides, flood tides, king tides and neap tides, but I have never experienced a yuletide. So, I looked it up.

Thousands of years ago, yuletide had nothing to do with Christmas. Instead, it referred to a holiday celebrated by historic Germanic peoples.

The word yuletide comes from a mix of old English and Norse words, and basically refers to a feast.

In both the pagan and Christian cultures, it was (and still is) a long festival to celebrate the Winter Solstice. It perhaps helped to explain why so many babies were born in late summer.

I’m not quite sure how pirates got involved, but the theme of the parade of lights was Yuletide Pirates, so that’s how we partied. It was also the theme against which the judges tallied up the winners among the brightly lit boats.

Sometimes there were gaps in the line of festive boats passing by for judging, so I couldn’t fight the temptation to fill in the time spans with a few pirate jokes. Wanna read them? Enjoy!

What do you call a pirate who likes to skip school? Captain Hook-y.

What does a pirate name his dog? The Plank. That’s why he’s always walking the plank.

What’s a pirate’s favorite form of exercise? Walking the plank.

How much does a pirate pay for a peg and a hook? An arm and a leg.

Why did the pirate go to the Appe store? He needed a new iPatch.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

Where do one-legged pirates go for brunch? IHOP.

Captain Jack Sparrow logic: Crazy people don’t know they are crazy. I know I’m crazy, therefore I am not crazy. Isn’t that crazy?

More Captain Jack logic: If you choose to lock your heart away, you’ll lose it for sure.

More Captain Jack logic: The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem.

After the judges were finished, the boats went back into the harbor and it was time to go home, I left the folks with this farewell:

May your anchor be tight, your cork be loose, your rum be spiced, and your compass be true!