Some men don’t consider that “manners” and “manliness” belong in the same sentence. This wasn’t always the case. Many of our historical heroes were trained to be both soldier and well-behaved gentlemen.
Our first president, George Washington, is a great case-in-point. He was a commanding military general while at the same time paying attention to how he was groomed and dressed as well as how he conducted himself both on and off the battlefield. Having good manners did not make him less of a man, but rather, more of one.
Washington, just like Robert E. Lee and Theodore Roosevelt, understood that the underlying principles of all manners remain constant and include a respect for others, and a desire to treat all people with honesty and consideration, just as you want to be treated.
Not convinced? Then, let’s examine some misconceptions about manners and the reasons you should apply them.
General Misconceptions about Manners
Oftentimes, observing others practicing bad manners badly is the basis of our youth’s negative opinion about them. Good manners aren’t supposed to be awkward, formal or stiff. They should be natural. According to Kate and Brett McKay, they should be based on the following:
» Forgetting about yourself and concentrating on others. The more you focus on making others comfortable, the less self-conscious you will feel, and the more comfortable you will become yourself.
» Catering your behavior to the crowd and event in which you find yourself. Your manners should be more formal when visiting a new friend’s home or going to a formal affair than when eating at Chili’s.
» Practice. Good manners shouldn’t be something you cram for in emergencies like studying for an exam. Rather, they should be a habit you develop through practice over time, like a leather coat that gets softer, more comfortable, and better-looking the more you wear it.
» Cultivating an inner sense of character. This is most important. At its root, naturalness in manner springs from your sincerity and desire to treat people well for the right reasons; it should be a natural extension of your character. Even if you do end up being a little awkward, if it comes from a sincere place, people will be very forgiving of it.
Good manners should be subtle.
They shouldn’t be immediately noticeable in the moment but create an overall positive impression. Those with whom you have interacted should recall your behavior later and make mental note of your good behavior. You should leave them with the sense that they really enjoy your company.
Good manners are not judgmental.
Good manners shouldn’t make you act or feel superior. That’s where consideration for others comes in. Make others feel better about themselves when they are with you.
The Benefits of Good Manners
Good manners give you confidence.
I’ve found in working with my students that having the guidelines for good manners gives them the self-confidence to go out and reach for success. Much of the guidelines are just common sense. But trying to wing it when we’re nervous doesn’t always get us through stressful situations. Manners are like a roadmap to direct you how to act and react in any situation without getting lost along the way.
Good manners make a positive impression on others.
Because you are perceived as enjoyable company, a welcome guest, contact or trusted employee, you will be in high demand. And, because good manners are in such short supply these days, you’ll be perceived head and shoulders above others out there.
Good manners make other people feel comfortable.
Without guidelines on behavior, a lot of incivility occurs. Think back to a time when you were with a group at dinner and one member of the group told an embarrassing story about another or insisted on imparting his political views on everyone at the table. Did you feel uncomfortable? Or what about the time you were with a friend who stopped to talk to someone you didn’t know, and your friend didn’t pause to introduce you. You were just left standing there like a third wheel. Did you feel awkward? How would you have felt if you had been immediately introduced and included in the conversation? Much better, I suspect.
Good manners show respect for others.
Let’s look at some scenarios. It’s Saturday morning. You get up early to meet a friend for coffee. Your friend insisted he/she had to meet you at 7 a.m. You arrive promptly, and your friend arrives 20 minutes late. Not cool. Your time is as valuable as your friend’s. Then, on Saturday afternoon, you play a round of golf with a friend who throws a temper tantrum after losing to you. Would you like to go hide instead of being embarrassed? That evening, you go out with a group of friends, and in a middle of a story you are telling the group, one of your “friends” rudely interrupts you and changes the conversation to draw attention to himself. The bottom line is that you want to treat others the way you would like to be treated. Make sense?
Finally, your good manners make life more enjoyable for you and those around you. Sadly, so many of our youth are raised with very little guidance on the good manners that will lead to their future success in life. But, happily, good manners can be learned by any young man or woman (or anyone at any age), no matter their background.
— John Daly is the founder and president of The Key Class, the go-to guide for job search success. Click here to learn more about The Key Class or to get his book. If you have questions about business or social etiquette, just ask John at johnkeyclass@gmail.com. Connect with The Key Class on Facebook. Follow John Daly on Twitter: @johndalyjr. Click here for previous columns. The opinions expressed are his own.