I recently had coffee with a friend of mine, and he shared with me the details of an uncomfortable situation in his home.
His 86-year-old mother lives with him and his wife. She met and began dating an elderly gentleman from her church. He became very serious about her rather quickly. While all she wanted was a friend with whom to go out to eat, go to the movies and do some shopping, he had other ideas. After only a few dates, he wanted to marry her!
This went on for about six weeks, with him pushing for a commitment, and her holding him off at arms-length. Even counseling from their pastor didn’t put the brakes on the elderly gentlemen. His attitude was: “I don’t have all that much time, so I need to go for what I want.”
Unfortunately, his behavior completely “turned off” my friend’s mother. She came home after one of her outings with her “boyfriend” and asked for her son’s help in “breaking up” with the gentleman. Her point was that they each had such opposing agendas that it would never work. She felt if she tried to do it alone that he would just ignore her and try to continue the relationship.
So, my friend called up the “boyfriend” and invited him to come over. He was present while his mother explained that because they wanted two separate outcomes in the relationship that it would not work out between them. When she told him she would not be available to go out with him any longer, the older man broke down and cried. My friend and his mother felt terrible.
But, that’s where the real problem begins. His mother feels so badly about hurting her beau that she now won’t go to church in fear of seeing him and hurting him even more.
My advice was simply to counsel his mother, letting her know that she did the right thing. I explained that it was not fair to either of them to continue a relationship that would only frustrate them both. Ultimately, it frees her old beau to pursue another who might be more open to the idea of marriage and a long-term relationship.
Hurting someone is never fun, but what’s even more important is to respect the other person enough not to lead them on or let them suffer under any false delusions. Honesty is truly the best policy in any relationship. It’s the only way to treat another person. If you try to do otherwise, it will only end in more hurt for both parties.
— John Daly is the founder and president of The Key Class, the go-to guide for job search success. Click here to learn more about The Key Class or to get his book. If you have questions about business or social etiquette, just ask John at johnkeyclass@gmail.com. Connect with The Key Class on Facebook. Follow John Daly on Twitter: @johndalyjr. Click here for previous columns. The opinions expressed are his own.