Between 2005 and 2011, the proportion of young adults living in their parents’ home increased, according to the Census Bureau.
The percentage of men age 25 to 34 living in the home of their parents rose to 19 percent in 2011 from 14 percent in 2005, and to 10 percent from 8 percent over the same period for women.
This increase actually began before the recession and has continued beyond it, statistics tell us.
So, for those parents and children who have the potential to become part of these growing statistics, consider the following.
Before an adult child moves back home, have a strategy session. Set limits such as “you will stay until you get a job or save up X amount of money.” Don’t leave it open-ended.
In The Total Transformation, James Lehman talks about the four questions you should ask your child when you are anticipating some kind of change. The questions (with some examples of answers you might give) are:
Q: How will we know this is working?
A: We’ll know because everyone will be doing their fair share and always being respectful of each other.
Q: How will we know it isn’t working?
A: We’ll know if someone isn’t pulling his or her weight or starts overstepping boundaries.
Q: What will we do if it’s not working?
A: The adult child will make plans to leave within a month.
Q: What will we do if it is working?
A: We’ll continue with our original plan for the set time limit or end target.
I suggest you draw up a contract with the following eight rules to consider for that crucial document. I totally agree with those I found in Stacy Julien’s article at AARP.org.
Rule No. 1. Your home is a “no freeloading zone.” Make Junior pay a mutually agreed upon rent for room and board — this could be weekly, monthly or however you see fit. Let them get into the habit of having a responsibility, which they will have when they become independent. It’s good for their self-esteem, too. It allows them to see that they are contributing.
Rule No. 2. Doing nothing is not an option. Hopefully, your child is earning some kind of outside income. But if you’ve got an unemployed college grad or a recently laid-off worker, delegate chores around the house, preferably the kind that will save you money. Painting the house, cleaning the gutters, cutting the lawn or helping you cross off a list of home renovations are all good options.
Rule No. 3. Don’t expect a hot meal every night. Where you were cooking for maybe two, now you have an extra place setting at the table. If Junior wants to eat, he can contribute by (1) cooking on certain days of the week or (2) paying a portion of the grocery bill. I would add in that doing one’s own laundry is required!
Rule No. 4. Respect the space. Your home is not a frat house. “Sure, friends can visit and even a boyfriend or girlfriend. But don’t think for a moment that my home is about to become party central,” says personal finance expert Lynnette Khalfani-Cox, an AARP personal finance columnist, who advises parents to put a limit on the number of guests who can visit at any one time.
Rule No. 5. Leave bad habits at the door. Your adult child returned home with a penchant for drinking or smoking? If you don’t mind such habits in the house, so be it. But if you do, outline it in the contract. State clearly: “No smoking or drinking on the premises.” This goes for keeping a dirty room, leaving towels on the bathroom floor, etc. — if you don’t want it done, make it clear.
Rule No. 6. Set a deadline. Don’t assume your child will leave when the time is right. Instead, establish a timeline to help the boarder reach independence. An adult child can get stuck if there’s no clear expiration date to what should be a short-term living situation.
Rule No. 7. Don’t be an ATM machine. Your household expenses are already ticking upward. But on top of that, you’re being asked for $20 here and there. Or perhaps your child needs your help getting a loan and asks you to cosign. Don’t put yourself in a financial bind to help your children. Have a talk about financial discipline with your child and do only what you can afford.
Rule No. 8. Have an exit clause in place. Make it clear that if at any time your child doesn’t agree with your rules, he’ll have to leave. Many parents who have adult children living with them are way too timid and constantly tiptoe around their kids. If anything, it should be the other way around.
The bottom line is that parents should never be enablers. Once grown adults, your kids should not impose on your life.
It is still important for you to provide good guidelines like any coach would. Help them achieve their independence. Don’t be drawn into providing a circle of dependence that will cripple them for the rest of their lives.
— John Daly is the founder and president of The Key Class, the go-to guide for good manners and job search success. Click to learn more about The Key Class, or to buy the book. Follow John on Facebook and Twitter @johnjdalyjr. Do you have an etiquette question? ASK John at johnKeyClass@gmail.com. The opinions expressed are his own.