I’ve lost a great number of friends recently. What has made me almost as heartsick with the loss of those friends is the unintentional words and actions of well-meaning friends trying to comfort beavered wives, husbands or children.
Most people feel ill at ease when trying to comfort a grieving friend or colleague. They are often at a loss of words.
As a result, they make such statements as “I know how you feel,” “Look at all you have to be thankful for,” “He/She is in a better place now” or “It’s all part of God’s plan.”
Let’s look at these statements.
» I know how you feel. No one can know how another feels. Better to say, “I am so sorry. I cannot image what you are going through.”
» Look at all you have to be thankful for. Of course they know they have blessings in their lives, but those things do not replace the ones lost.
» He/She is in a better place now. It is hard for anyone who loves another to imagine that a better place isn’t with them right now.
» It’s all part of God’s plan. Faith is very personal. The bereaved person may not share your beliefs. Those in grief sometimes question their own faith. Best not to make that a focal point.
What should you say, then? Here are a few suggestions.
» Acknowledge the situation and express your concern. “I just learned about (person’s name), and I’m so very sorry.”
» Using the person’s name helps keep his or her memory present.
» Be sincere. Don’t hide how you feel. “I’m not sure what to say or how I can comfort you, but I want you to know I care.” While your thoughts and hugs may make the person cry, tears are an important part of the healing process.
» Don’t ask “How can I help?” Instead, offer to do something specific, such as “Can I pick up your children after school? Can I take your child for an outing tomorrow so that you have time to yourself?” And, instead of asking if you can do something, just do it. (See below.)
» Being warm, positive and smiling with simple words like, “It’s so good to see you,” can make a person’s day better.
» If you are a close friend, just being there to listen and offer a shoulder to cry on is incredibly helpful.
Practical ways you can help a grieving person. You can:
» Ask what the family likes to eat and offer to drop off a prearranged meal on a specific day. Work out a schedule for friends/neighbors to do the same.
» Shop for groceries or run errands.
» Assist with funeral arrangements.
» Stay in their home to take phone calls and receive guests.
» Do cleaning and laundry in the home.
» Pick up their children from school and watch over them.
» Take charge of setting up an event, memorial or charitable fund in the name of the deceased.
» Drive them wherever they need to go.
» Look after their pets.
» Offer to address acknowledgement cards; buy the stamps for these cards.
» Handle insurance forms or bills.
» After the funeral or memorial service, arrange to take them to lunch or a movie with the understanding that it may be canceled if the person is not up to it that day.
This information only touches all the particulars of these tragic times. That’s why I have begun a third book on this subject. I would love for you to share your own experiences if you would like me to include them in it. The purpose is always to help others do the right thing during a difficult time.
Above all, it is important to remember to always put the grieving person(s) first and foremost. Try to let your actions and your words make your moments with them a little easier.
Help in ways that you know you would like to be assisted if your roles were reversed.
— John Daly is the founder and president of The Key Class, the keys to life skills success. Click to learn more about The Key Class, or click here to buy his book. John’s new book, 74 Key Life Skills for a Happy, Successful Life, is available on Amazon. Connect with The Key Class on Facebook and follow John on Twitter @johnjdalyjr. Do you have a question about business or social etiquette? Ask John at johnKeyClass@gmail.com. The opinions expressed are his own.