Z: You are the luckiest woman in the world.

She: Because I live in a shack and drive a gold 2000 Mercury Grand Marquis?

Z: Because you’re married to the perfect valentine.

She: The shack and the gold 2000 Mercury Grand Marquis are looking better and better.

Z: I don’t mean to brag here, or to raise the bar for all you loser husbands out there, but I am an awesome valentine.

She: Even if that’s true, what could I possibly gain by agreeing with you?

Z: Really, we’re the perfect valentine couple.

She: OK, now you’re getting closer.

Z: We’re so good at it that they ought to name the holiday after us. Like, Valentine’s Day, brought to you by the good people at Zak & Leslie.

She: Don’t you mean Leslie & Zak?

Z: No.

She: It’s not a competition.

Z: But if it was one, we’d totally be winning.

She: So much. Did I say that?

Z: I know it screams artsy-fartsy, but I really do like our little tradition of making each other a handmade valentine craft every year.

She: And to think it all started out with me having one too many Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers. I wonder whatever happened to those?

Z: They’ve been replaced by those Smirnoff Ice things.

She: Mostly I’m impressed that I haven’t gotten a hand-shaped turkey every year.

Z: That’s not even the right holiday.

She: I know that. I’m just not always sure you know that.

Z: It is getting harder and harder, though. We’ve done cards, and candles, and pottery, and puzzles, and even a kaleidoscope.

She: I remember some short books and poems.

Z: My favorite from you was a wiry picture holder.

She: I think I’ve still got glitter on my face from that picture frame I made you in 1989.

Z: There’s still some on the carpet, too.

She: I think I liked the flipbook you made me the best. The ceramic loaf of bread still confounds me.

Z: “The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.”

She: OK. Did you get that from Oprah?

Z: Close. Mother Teresa. And I just Googled it now. Really, all it says on the original loaf is, “I knead U, loave Zak.”

She: You couldn’t have whipped up a nice chocolate chip banana bread or something?  I mean, what’s the significance of the ceramic bread?

Z: It was on sale at Michael’s.

She: What are you making me this year?

Z: I have no idea.

She: It’s almost Valentine’s Day. You’d better get cracking. “Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new.”

Z: Now who are you quoting? The Iron Chef?

She: It’s actually Ursula LeGuin.

Z: What, you’re reading Koss’ books now?

She: Just the backs of them. I’m trying to find inspiration to make his valentine.

Z: I can’t believe he’s starting to horn in on the action. Now we have to make two things.

She: If you were really the perfect valentine you wouldn’t be complaining about it. You’d be saying, now we get to make two things.

Z: Uh, now we get to make two things.

She: Doesn’t that feel better?

Z: I don’t know. What are you making for him? Can I sign my name on it, too?

She: Excuse me?

Z: I mean, what did we make our kid for Valentine’s Day?

She: It’s a surprise.

Z: Yes, dear.

Share your valentine inspiration with She and Z at leslie@lesliedinaberg.com.