She: I am a Tour de France widow.

Z: It’s not that bad.

She: I’m completely jealous. Not of a sexy French vixen in a maid’s uniform and fishnet stockings. Not of a couture model sauntering down the runways of Paris. No, no, my love and company have been replaced by tiny, athletic men in ridiculously colored bike jerseys and tight pants.

Z: It’s not like they’re hanging out at our house. And it’s sports. I’m watching sports. How manly is that?

She: Every night until midnight, instead of having the sparkling, witty conversation we usually engage in, you watch skinny men compete for the honor of wearing a pink, polka-dotted shirt. How manly is that?

Z: When you put it that way, not so manly.

She: It’s insane. I don’t understand the Tour de France. Explain it to me.

Z: Well, according to Versus, the obscure cable channel that airs it, it’s the Most. Epic. Race. Ever.

She: If by epic you mean the length of War and Peace, I’ll give you that.

Z: It is oddly captivating. There’s a great range of athleticism and tactics. There’s teamwork and individual effort. It takes physical strength and mental toughness. And, you get to throw around cool words like peloton, and Col des Big Ol’ Mountain.

She: It’s men riding their bikes for four hours a day. And when they perform well, they get to change their shirts. In France.

Z: Well. At least I don’t watch fishing.

She: But I’ve seen you watch golf before. Which, much to my surprise, isn’t nearly as annoying as the Tour de France.

Z: I think you don’t like it just because it’s biking.

She: I’ll admit that I’m not the best bicyclist in the world.

Z: I can’t confirm that, because I’ve never seen you on a bike.

She: I have a tendency to fall over or crash into trees. I’m not sure why it’s not something I ever mastered, but the few times I’ve been on a bike in the last three decades have not ended well.

Z: That reminds me; another exciting part of the Tour de France, like any race, is all of the accidents. There’s always the chance that there will be some spectacular pileup.

She: My accidents weren’t that spectacular. Most of them were kind of slow motion. I get so caught up in the scenery that I sometimes forget that it’s tough to balance on two wheels when you’re stopped.

Z: Good thing you weren’t chewing gum at the same time.

She: You joke, but that’s another thing I never mastered. I can’t blow a bubble-gum bubble for the life of me. So biking and chewing gum at the same time? Not going to happen.

Z: Fortunately, that’s not one of the stages on the Tour de France.

She: The Tour de France would be more interesting if you got to actually tour through France when you watched. The Louvre, Strasbourg Cathedral, the Eiffel Tower, Champagne, Bordeaux, those I might actually stay up late for. A bike race, not so much.

Z: Actually, they show just about all of those things. They don’t bike through the Louvre, but zipping past the Mona Lisa would be an excellent addition to next year’s race.

She: OK, I lied. Even a televised tour of those places would bore me to tears. Add biking, and you might as well just roll me down the side of the Pyrenees.

Z: Which just so happened to be the 14th stage of this year’s Tour de France.

She: Yes, dear.

— Tell She and Z what you think by emailing Click here for previous She Said, Z Said columns. Follow Leslie Dinaberg on Twitter.