A single friend of mine — I’ll call her Virginia — asked me the other day if it was all right to ask a gentleman she had just met out on a date. I explained that guys usually initiate the first date or so (unless the two are already good friends) and then, after that, either may do the asking.
Since my friend is of middle age, I got to thinking. The rules are basically the same for teens, the middle-aged and seniors — first or last date, women or men.
Out of the gate, what happens if you’ve asked twice for a date and the person has not been available? Consider the person is not interested and move on.
Of course you know I’m going to say that the primary rule of thumb is to treat your date with respect and dignity, and it is a two-way street. This includes not swearing, not becoming intoxicated and being genuine. You’ll feel better for it if you behave.
Before the Date
Don’t expect a prospective date to be available at a moment’s notice. Always propose a time and place a few days prior. Let your date know how long the date will go, if possible.
And, have at least one alternative place to go in case circumstances change, like the weather or traffic … or some other problem that might deter your original plans.
Give your prospective date a little time to suggest other options, as well. Discuss what you’re going to do, and use that time to agree on who is going to pay for what. If you did the asking on the first date, be prepared to pay.
Don’t spring a Dutch treat scenario on him or her on the spot. Who pays on subsequent dates can be worked out as you get to know each other better. And, when you pay, understand that there should never be any strings attached. Get the picture?
Women should always be prepared to offer to pay half or buy the drinks to show they are not expecting freebies whenever they go out. Doing so will impress a date, and doing so can maintain your independence.
If the guy paid for the first date, girls can offer to cook a meal or bring a picnic basket for the next date, if there is another one.
If for some reason you have to postpone or cancel the date, never stand up anyone. That’s just plain rude. And always postpone rather than cancel a date. Avoid doing so at the last minute. If you know that morning, then reschedule immediately.
During the Date
For the first date, be prepared ahead of time to have a few topics for light-hearted conversation; nothing too controversial. Avoid voicing strong opinions. Use the time to assess the other person as a potential long-term relationship.
Always be on time. If you are running late, call and provide a new time to arrive.
When you do arrive, be dressed appropriately. That includes clean hair, clothing and personal hygiene. Avoid strong perfume or aftershave. Some people are allergic. Smell is one of the strongest memory reminders. You don’t want your date to associate you with a bad memory.
Guys, always open and hold doors for your date, no matter who is actually driving the car. And, girls, let him, but don’t expect it. Either way, just be gracious, smile or thank him. If you feel that violates your liberated viewpoint, just say thank you and let him know later that you don’t want him to open doors for you!
Girls usually precede guys into a theater, church, movie theater, restaurant, to the table and most every other place. It’s sophisticated dating etiquette for guys to help girls into their seats. However, men should always lead the way through crowds and traffic and walk nearest the street to protect the girl on sidewalks.
Try to find something to compliment the other about, whether it’s hair, clothes, jewelry, eyes or a smile. If you can’t find anything, then maybe you shouldn’t be dating this person!
But what if it’s a blind date, John? Well, all the same rules apply. Be gracious from beginning to end. For a blind date, consider starting with a coffee meeting just to make sure you are suitable for each other. Don’t ever just get up and leave your date at a coffee shop table or anywhere.
If you aren’t attentive, it may be your last date with this person. Always remember your manners. Use “please,” “thank you,” “you’re welcome” and similar words. Never patronize or talk down to anyone. Make frequent eye contact and use the person’s name often.
One key caution: Never pretend feelings you don’t have. That is mean and deceptive.
Always inquire about likes and dislikes, values and expectations, dreams and aspirations and interests, but do so with a delicate approach. Always reciprocate with lots of information about yourself. This doesn’t mean that you should brag or talk too much about yourself. Try to listen carefully and turn the conversation around so it focuses on your date. But keep it fun and light. Use humor but keep it clean. Never start your relationship on a lie.
Always ask before you smoke. Some people are allergic to cigarette smoke. Often nonsmokers Never make someone else uncomfortable just to satisfy your own needs.
Don’t overshare, particularly with confidences that may make your date feel awkward. Do not have unreasonable expectations. Never force intimacy. If it happens, then it happens; otherwise, it’s too soon.
Guys, always see her to her door after the date. It is for her safety. As far as a goodnight kiss goes, a friendly hug to say goodbye may be all right, even a kiss on the cheek. You’ll know by the end of the date what’s permissible.
After the Date
If you agreed to make contact after your date, then do so within a reasonable time period. Never make the offer for another date if you don’t intend to follow-up.
Be sure to be sensitive about your date’s expectations. If (s)he comes out and asks for a second date, be honest if you don’t think it will work out. It might be difficult to explain, but just let the other person know that while you enjoyed spending time with him/her that you don’t think you are compatible enough for a second date. Be patient but be honest.
Always remember, treat the other person with dignity and respect.
— John Daly is the founder and president of The Key Class, the go-to guide for good manners and job search success. Click to learn more about The Key Class, or to buy the book. Follow John on Facebook and Twitter @johnjdalyjr. Do you have an etiquette question? ASK John at johnKeyClass@gmail.com. The opinions expressed are his own.