Question from Melissa
I like three different guys, and I flirt with them all and I act like we have a thing with each of them. None of them know about each other and they never will, honestly. I’m just nervous for the day that I’m going to have to choose one, because I have no idea who to choose?! They are all so different. Ugh.
Weezy
First of all, just stop. Think.
Flirting with three different guys and causing each of them to believe that “has a thing” with you is cruel, selfish and wrong.
Your question asks only about what will happen to you. It does not address how your behavior is effecting these three boys. A person with so little regard for the feelings of others will not make a good match for anyone. You are not ready to be in a relationship.
First, you need to work on yourself. Do some maturing. Wait to date until you know who you are, what you want and how you can say what you mean and mean what you say.
A lie of omission is still a lie. You will not be be happy until you grasp with your core that everything you put out into the world is everything you will receive. You must dig deep and learn to be true, be empathetic, be authentic and be honest before you can expect any of these wonderful gifts from anyone in return.
YouTuber Meghan Rienks has a slightly different take on this subject:
(AwesomenessTV video)
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Question from Katelyn
Hi, Weezy! I’m in seventh grade. Recently guys at my school started daring each other to smack girls’ butts. So this boy I know, Kyle, was acting really weird and I texted him and asked why. He said that he was dared to smack my butt. I told him I was not OK with it and he better not. Then he said that if I gave him a hug he wouldn’t. I told him no and this whole thing was weird.
Then he says “fine I won’t smack it I’ll just touch it” and I was pretty mad and just ignored him. I found out that this has been going on for a while with other people. Two girls, Peyton and Carly, wanted to go to the counseling office. They talked me into coming with them because I was kind of involved. When we got there I told the counselor about what happened. The other two girls named a bunch of people who were also involved.
Some of them were my friends and I felt really bad because I wouldn’t have thrown them under the bus. So later in the day a few people were really mad at me because they thought I had told on all of them. But I hadn’t, I just wanted to talk about my situation. Now I’m being blamed and I’m so confused.
Me and Kyle talked it all out, and he apologized and promised to be more respectful. It turns out just after we left the counseling office he came in to talk about how he felt bad about it. But now what do I do about the people who are mad at me? And do you think I did the right thing? The whole seventh grade is talking about it! Thanks!
Weezy
First let’s be clear about one thing. When you girls were in the counselor’s office, nobody was being thrown under a bus. People were being pulled from the path of a speeding bus. Wherever harassment and objectification are permitted to permeate, the entire culture is in crisis. Everyone suffers. Boys and girls. Men and women.
The whole seventh grade should be owning what happened and learning from it. You are one of the heroes of this story. If somebody says something, turn it back on that person and say, “Are you from the 1950s where men got to smack women’s butts and get away with it? Because I’m not, so back the heck off.”
As you see in Kyle’s story, he did not want to be dared by his friends into being less than a gentleman. He did not like the way it made him feel. He was brave enough to go see the counselor about it. He was trying to correct a wrong. So were you. The two of you will continue to be people who stand up for what is right. You can take a little heckling. We already know how strong you are.
There is a lot of confusion on the Internet over what constitutes feminism or a feminist. We could discuss it for days because it is fascinating, but a middle school culture that has boys pressuring other boys to devolve into jerks and idiots who have no respect for women and girls is — on anyone’s radar — a bad thing. Stopping it needs to be everyone’s business.
EVERY PERSON who saw or heard about what was going on should have been inside that counselor’s office. That’s brave. You are one of a few people who said, “NO. NOT ON MY WATCH.” Nobody gets to make you feel guilty about that.
I promise you that as this event fades into the background of your life, you will feel increasingly grateful for the courage that led you to say no to Kyle and to walk with those girls into the counselor’s office. Just let the intensity of it all calm down.
The administration at your school should be planning a program that teaches all of you kids more about respect, dignity and boundaries.
In the meantime, be proud. You stood for something that matters.
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Question from Danny
How do I become confident? How can I stop being so shy? I hate being shy. I literally have no friends. I want friends so badly, but kids at school already have friends and never seem to let anyone else in.
Weezy
Have you head the phrase, “Fake it till you make it?”
I’m not a big fan of “faking” anything but this phrase took off because it rhymes, and we all know how much more awesome any statement is when it rhymes. So that saying is large and in charge, and it is going to help make you too cool for school.
Some things in life are just hard. There are people at your school who are just as insecure as you but they show it differently. Rather than being shy, some people may come off as loud and annoying to their friends because they are trying too hard.
So, don’t feel like you are the only person in social pain. You are not. Everyone just has a different way of showing it.
Your assignment is to be friendly, even when you feel like looking down at your shoes. Even when your heart is pounding through your chest and your face is turning bright red. Fake being confident until you are confident.
Change is hard. It hurts. It’s scary but change is essential if you wish to make friends. Look around. Who else needs a friend? Smile at that person.
Friendships and social circles appear to be solid but they are in a constant state of flux.
Join a club. Volunteer. Stay after class and help a teacher. Talk. Ask for advice. Listen.
Become a part of your own solution.
You don’t just need a friend. You are a potential friend to someone who needs you.
(TD Social Skills Channel video)
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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at news@noozhawk.com and it may be answered in a subsequent column.
— Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (Family Band: The Cowsills Story is currently airing on Showtime Networks), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Our Place, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.