Question from Charlie
So, I really like this girl. More like I’m in love, and I have no idea how she feels. Like she and her friends have done so many things that show it’s obvious she likes me, too. I spoke to her when we were on bad terms (she says she hates me. I say I hate her, too but I really don’t) and her friend was blushing and looking at me weird when she found out I talked to her.
Anyway, so she tried getting my attention in so many ways and we were on bad terms. I tried to speak with her and she just ignored me, smirked and walked away, and then I acted interested in her friend and she got worried and tried getting her friend away from me. And then she stares at me and says I stare at her.
Half her friends are nice to me, half are not. She spammed me on Snap once, asking if I like her at all. I didn’t reply cuz she literally blocks me and says she hates me. Then she adds me and she was like, whatever, fine. Don’t answer me. I told her I don’t like her and she got mad and blocked me. Then two days later she added me again.
The only reason I said I don’t like her is I was afraid she was gonna gossip cuz somehow people found out I like her. (It was a rumor but a true one I denied.) And I don’t know, man. I love her but now I’m tryna move on ignoring her. She stares at me a lot. One of her friends was rude to me last year, now she’s nicer and I ask why and she was like “well my friend disliked you strongly last year (my crush)” and I said doesn’t she still dislike me and her friend just smiled and walked away … plz help.
Weezy
It is clear to me that you two like each other. I am guessing, based on everything you have described, that you guys are around 12 years old? Have you seen the movie Flipped?
(Movieclips Classic Trailers video)
It is also an excellent book of the same name.
Girls and guys become interested in each other long before they figure out how to act around each other. And thus unfolds all of this “I hate you, no I don’t. Yes, I do, I really hate you so much. Stop staring at me because I hate you!!” business. It’s a way to interact with an exit strategy in the event of complete and total humiliation.
This in concert with the peer fascination issue is daunting. All humans are programmed to be enchanted by romance. Exhibit A: Songs, movies and TV shows are loaded with love. We can not get enough of the stuff. And so when kids begin to see their actual friends connecting like the grown up people they watch and hear about in songs and movies, they lose their minds. It’s all extremely captivating and terrifying.
My best advice is that you commit to being kind and warm to this girl. No Matter What. Move beyond your “I hate you” fallback position. Just like her and show it.
OK, so you may be the first two kids to bridge this girl/guy gap. Serve as an example. Love is a thing that can happen. Before very long a lot of the guys and girls you know will be connecting. It won’t be such a novelty anymore and that will take the heat off of you.
It will still and forever remain intriguing when people fall in love. We will continue to watch the movies and listen to the songs and heart react to Facebook in-a-relationship statuses. We love love. But yes, it is scary and risky to show emotion and be vulnerable. But just commit to being nice to the girl. Let the rest unfold naturally.
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Question from Tasha
Is it possible to love someone when you haven’t even dated them? So this guy I have feelings for talked with me for, like, six months. We went on a date and he said he wanted to go on more dates, but then randomly a few weeks later he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship because he didn’t have time. Then a few weeks later he started going for another girl.
Normally when a guy says he’s not interested or whatever the case, I move on quickly because I don’t like wasting my time on someone who’s not interested. But I’m not sure why this time I just can’t move on. It’s been almost three months and I still have feelings for him. This is definitely not normal for me.
Do you have any suggestions or ideas about what might be going on? Or even tips to move on?
Weezy
Sometimes we just get stuck on someone. There is no explaining it. You will have love in your heart for all sorts of different people as you move through life. But only one (at a time) will be that person you throw in with. That will be because it just clicks in both directions. It will be because you are strong where he is weak and visa versa. It will be because you get each other and because he feels like home to you.
The problem here is that this particular guy is checking a lot of those boxes. But not all of them. And so you do need to take a deep breath and keep on moving.
The best way to do that is to put two things between the two of you. Time and space. Don’t follow him on social media. Don’t reach out to him. Don’t hang out with him. Move on with your mind and with your body. Your heart will follow.
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Question from Charlotte
A few months ago, I got the courage to tell my crush I liked him because we had a lot to do together before our last year of high school. I’m pretty sure he liked me and I told him, and he said, “Oh, OK,” and then he was like, “Why?” I told him why and he was like, oh, OK. Then the next day he tells his friend and his friend is like, well don’t you like her, and he said no, man, I got over those feelings.
But when he did like me I didn’t hear anything from him about it. Anyway, now he just ignores me every time he sees me. He looks down at his phone and sometimes I’ll catch him looking at me, then looking down. I was mature, I think, and I was like I just don’t want to regret not saying anything because you truly only live once and he said, “Oh, OK.”
So that was that, but sometimes it bothers me that he ignores me because I did nothing to him, so now I ignore him, too.
Weezy
You are almost completely correct on all counts. You had every right to tell him that you like him and, yes, you will now live regretting what you didn’t say. You have done nothing wrong to him.
However … and this is the reality that is informing the dynamic between you. When you reveal romantic feelings, things do change. That’s why it’s risky. That’s why it’s considered an all or nothing move. He knows you like him. He feels awkward about it. He is not currently interested in pursuing more with you, and so he is backing away.
From what you are describing, he sounds fairly naïve. You told him that you like him and he asked, “Why?” I think you stumped him! He’s not quite sure he is lovable just yet, and he probably has no idea what would be expected of him within a relationship. He is not ready. He could behave very differently toward you a year from now or five years from now or 30 years from now. By then you may not be available for him. That is just the way life goes.
This is painful now but, yes, you were mature and brave. You now know that you can be bold and you can state your truth and go after something you want. You do not have to completely ignore him. You can give him a quick smile and then keep moving. He may come around before the end of the school year. He may not, but you just continue doing you and that will be your victory.
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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at news@noozhawk.com and it may be answered in a subsequent column.
— Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She also hosts a weekly video podcast called Things I Found Online, and teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.