She: Did you hear there’s a new study saying that men are happier than women?

Z: Woo-hoo! We win! That’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout, baby! Booyah!

She: Happier, yes. More mature, not so much.

Z: You’re just saying that because you’re sad and lashing out.

She: The study says that it’s all about self-esteem.

Z: I don’t know. I mean, I know I’m totally awesome, but is that what makes me happy?

She: A woman’s self-esteem will understandably change depending on what kind of hair day she’s having, what the scale reads and how guilty she feels about what she did or didn’t eat for breakfast.

Z: I had Raisin Bran, and I’m pretty happy about that.

She: A man can look in the mirror once or twice during high school and if they liked what they saw, that image is permanently embedded in their psyches, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Z: I’m going to assume that’s a dig at the other, fat, bald guys, and not the awesomeness that is still the spitting image of his high school perfectness. I think the thing that really happens is that women age, and men don’t. We all have paintings in an attic somewhere that do that for us.

She: You keep confusing maturity with aging. Although, you could be on to something, because kids are happier than all of us. I’ve heard that they laugh something like 300 times a day, while adults only laugh 15 times a day.

Z: Ha ha. Tee-hee. Guffaw. By the way, you’re “number” and “study” girl today. When did you get so uptight and serious? No wonder you’re depressed.

She: I know. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s like when someone asks you if you’re tired. I wasn’t, but now that you mention it I can’t stop thinking about the dark circles I must have under my eyes. All it takes is some study telling me I’m less happy and I feel less happy the moment I read it.

Z: Stop reading. Problem solved.

She: Is that men’s secret to happiness? You don’t read?

Z: Ignorance is bliss. For instance, I haven’t even read this study you’re talking about.

She: …

Z: OK, I just read the study. Bummer for you — women used to be happier than men. I’m going to have to go with a more obvious reason for the flip-flop than self-esteem, though: working sucks, and more women than ever have to work.

She: Working doesn’t suck. Working rocks. It’s trying to get everything else done while you’re working that sucks.

Z: Seriously, it’s not that hard. You should just get a wife.

She: I’m starting to think that men are happier than women because they don’t have to live with other men.

Z: Couldn’t be. Look at the places where a bunch of men live together, like the Army or prison. Now there are some happy guys.

She: Or, there’s always the hottie theory, confirmed by The New York Times. They interviewed a bunch of impressively academic and athletic high school girls who still felt it was important that they be “effortlessly hot.”

Z: I actually agree with this. I’m quite sure that all women would be much happier if they spent lots of time looking hot. I would suggest that they all wear very tight, slutty clothes — “effortlessly” is fine, if that’s somehow important. If women thought of every day as Halloween, then they would be much happier.

She: I do feel like it’s Halloween every day, with all of the concealer I need to cover up the dark circles under my eyes.

Z: Would this be the right time to make a “that time of the month” joke? What am I saying — when is it not a good time to make a “that time of the month” joke? ‘Cause women lose a good three to five days right there. That’s 10 to 15 percent of happiness downtime.

She: Yes, dear.

Share your theories of happiness with Zak and Leslie at leslie@lesliedinaberg.com.